Sad thoughts

I don't know how many of you read blogs on a daily basis but one of my favorites is www.dooce.com. My friend Rachel turned me onto this blog and I love checking in and seeing what is going on in her life. She has a very honest style of writing and she deals openly with her life, raising her headstrong 4-year old daughter, and her battle with depression. While her style of writing is usually very humorous, her most recent post is a sad one about her stepfather being diagnosed with lymphoma. She also suffered a miscarriage last October and this would have been Week 40 of her pregnancy (for you pregnancy virgins, that's full term). Most of you know that between Hannah and Jake I also suffered a miscarriage. It was very hard to deal with and I wasn't sure how to cope. No one in my immediate family or close circle of friends had ever miscarried and it was something I never expected to have happen to me. I knew that when the due date came it would be a tremendously sad day so Lincoln and I actually planned a weekend away with Hannah to distract me. We went to the Sesame Street theme park in Pennsylvania. I think what saved my sanity even more was the fact that by the time the due date came and went I was already pregnant with Jake. That didn't make it any less sad but it did give me hope that everything would be okay. Even blessed with the two wonderful children that I have I still occasionally think about what that other child would have been like and how my life would be different.

Dealing with a miscarriage is very hard but, for me, the most sincere voice in the darkness came from the least likely place. Everyone around me - my family, my friends, and my co-workers - were wonderful, but one night I called my friend Rachel while she was visiting her parents and her dad answered the phone. He knew I had been pregnant but hadn't yet been told that I had miscarried. He congratulated me on my pregnancy and I awkwardly had to tell him that I had lost the baby. Most people give you the same "I'm so sorry for your loss" or the "it happened for a reason" speech, but as he stumbled over the most endearing apology and encouraging speech, I knew at that moment that everything would be okay because I have the greatest people in my life. The Klevars have always been a huge part of my childhood but they have also played a big part in my adulthood - even if in the smallest of ways.