This girl is too smart for me

This week the kids and I are down in Arizona visiting my parents. For some reason while we were riding in the car today Jake brought up the topic of their first words. This is a conversation that we've had many times before but today it ended a lot differently.

Jake: Do you know what my first word was?

Me: Yep, ball.

Jake: And what was Hannah's first word?

Me: Boom.

Hannah: Yeah, but is that really a word or just an onomatopoeia*?

(Both Mom and I whip our heads around to Hannah....)

Me/Mom: What!?!

Hannah: The spelling of something the way it sounds.

(silence)

And for those of you playing along at home, Webster's defines onomatopoeia as "the naming of a thing or action by the vocal imitation of the sound associated with it (as buzz, hiss)"

I have no idea what her second word was so if we're not classifying boom as an official word anymore we're in trouble.

Radio Silence

I don't know where to start.

I have lots of things to say. I drive around every day and think of things I want to talk about on my blog but for some reason when I get to an actual computer I have nothing to say.

And my mother must be seriously freaking out by now. When I was in college if I didn't call every 3-4 days she would call me to make sure I was alive. That has continued well into my 30's and yet I haven't talked to her more than two or three times in the past three weeks or so.

When I don't talk to my mom on a regular basis my dad calls under the pretense of "you should call your mother" however, in this day and age of email, he sometimes just emails me and says "are you alive?"

I am alive.

And I'm fine....usually.

I'm certainly not having the trouble I was having when I was in the Nut Hut but I still have days that are worse than others.

And yet over all most days are good.

But I still don't call my mother.

Or blog.

I don't know what it is. It's like a mental block. I think about doing both but I just don't do them.

Why?

Who the hell knows.

This entire process has been a learning experience for me and everyone around me. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know what the fuck to expect. But I do appreciate those around me giving me the chance to figure it out.

One of these days all the pent up blog postings in my head will come pouring out and you guys will be saying "Enough already!!!"

Until then, thank you for letting me deal with this on my own.

I love you all.

I seem to have misplaced my handbook

I've now been at my job for 8 years as of 10/30/10. In those eight years my co-workers have mostly consisted of married men, with or without children, one married woman with a grown daughter, one married woman with no kids, many single men and women, and any number of gays and lesbians. Very few of my female co-workers have been married much less have children. That has changed a bit over the years as a few of them have gotten married and started having families but they're all "newer" moms than me.

Why am I writing about the demographic of my co-workers?

Because it cracks me up when they call me up or pop in my office to ask me a question that "a mom would know" such as "how can I tell if this is still fresh?" or "do you have static guard (or a sewing kit) in your purse?" This is often followed up with "I figured you would know (or possess the item) since you're a Mom". One person - who later became a mom herself - once said to me, "Isn't that just something all Moms know?"

I laughed and said that I obviously never received the Mom Handbook.

The funny this is, I still call my mom for advice on how to know if something is still fresh or how long something should be cooked or when should I go to the doctor. You get the idea.

It's true that Mom always seems to have the answer but I personally seem to have misplaced my handbook. Or maybe I never received one.

I should ask Mom about that.

Professional cleaning

Lincoln pointed out to me today that we used to have our house professionally cleaned before my Mom came to visit. Now we just have the dog professionally cleaned before she gets here.

It's time for a step back

I haven't written much about my battle with depression on the blog. I haven't even mentioned it since the end of June to be exact. And those of you that read this blog regularly, you've obviously noticed I don't post nearly as often as I used to either. Unfortunately, despite a supply of pills and a great psychiatrist, this battle is one I'm slowly losing....for now.

I feel like I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it.

I do feel like I'm in good hands with my doctor though and I know that Lincoln and my family and friends will be with me through it all but it's still a tough time. As someone who also once suffered from depression told me, "it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better." That's what I'm hanging all my hopes on.

Today I spoke with my bosses about taking a leave of absence from work. I need time away from the office to get away from the stress there and try to get stuff in my personal life and around the house in order. I just feel like there is so much piling up that I'm going to get buried under it all and it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. After I spent last Thursday, in my pajamas, at my shrink's office, I knew it was time to ask for some time off work.

I talked with my bosses today and they both immediately agreed to this new situation. They've been wonderfully understanding through this whole process and I couldn't ask for anything more from them.

I told Lincoln, and my mother as well, that you can tell when I'm slipping into a bad spot. I stop answering emails, I stop opening the mail, and I stop blogging. Those are the "superficial" signs of my mood. I think the eyes that won't stop crying, the lack of showering, and the long periods curled up by myself in the bedroom staring at the TV are two clues that Link sees way too often.

My mom is coming out next Sunday and staying for two and a half weeks. I've asked her for help getting my life back together but I told her I need to be able to walk away and hide when I feel like it. I know she'll be very understanding even though it will be frustrating to her. It's hard for anyone to understand when they haven't been through it before. Heck, it's hard for me to understand. And like I told Mom, I'm learning my way through this too so just follow my lead. I'm just glad she's going to be here. As wonderful as Link is, sometimes I just want my Mommy.

A difference in realities

Hannah is out with my Mom and Dad for the next month in Seattle. Today was the first day that Mom and Hannah went shopping which, I must admit, surprises me that they lasted that long. They love to shop together.

Hannah texted me to tell me they were going to Kohl's. When they left the store, she texted me with the amount they had saved (but not what they had spent). I asked her what she had gotten and she replied that she got "a pair of shorts and a shirt".

Not exactly.

According to Grandma she got five pairs of shorts, three shirts, a 7-pack of underwear, and an undisclosed number of socks.

Which leads me to this question...

Why did I even bother packing for her?

Our little independent traveler

Here is Hannah this morning getting ready to get on her flight to Seattle. This is the first time that she has flown by herself and she absolutely loved it. She was so ready for this and so excited to be doing it. It was a long few hours for Mommy but now I know she's safely on the ground and in Grandma and Grandpa's custody. I know she's going to have a great four weeks out in Seattle.

Like brother, like brother, like brother

I continue to marvel at how much my Dad looks like two of his brothers. There was this incident in Albuquerque with Uncle John and now these pictures with Uncle Joe and Uncle John. On the flip side, Uncle Mike still has a full head of hair. That's why he's not allowed to be in pictures. (just kidding!)

Apparently Grandma Dena is a real estate mogul now

Jake: How many houses does Grandma Dena own now?

Me: Two houses....and the apartment above the garage. Although we own that. They'll just be staying there.

Jake: What about the building?

Me: What building?

Jake: You know, the building Grandma lives in?

Me: You mean a hotel?

Jake: Yeah, the hotel.

I really hope Jake eventually realizes he's not going to inherit a chain of hotels from Grandma and Grandpa someday.

A much needed vacation

For the past few days we've been visiting my parents in Nevada (and Arizona and California). We flew out on Saturday and got down to the resort that we're staying at between Laughlin, NV and Fort Mohave, AZ at about 7:30 p.m. We had a nice dinner with Mom and Dad that night and then crashed hard as our bodies were three hours ahead of local time.

Jake and Hannah had us up bright and early at 3:45 a.m. the next morning and no one could get back to sleep. I let the kids watch a movie on my laptop while Lincoln tried to get some more sleep and I read my book. At a more reasonable hour we got dressed and headed out to pick up pastries before going to Mom and Dad's for breakfast. After breakfast, at 9:30, I looked at my watch and could have sworn it had to have been noon. I felt like I had been up forever. Since it obviously wasn't noon yet Lincoln and I headed into Mom and Dad's room to take a nap and Mom took the kids to play down in the Colorado River.

After Lincoln and I took a nap the whole gang - minus my 96-year old grandmother who lives with my parents - headed down to Pirate Cove. Mom and Dad had heard about this place and checked it out before we came and the way they made it sound I thought it was a theme restaurant for kids. Instead it's more of a theme restaurant for adults. The waitresses are very scantily clad and the bar on the beach is blaring music. It turns out it's a little mini-resort on the river and you can rent cabins, go boating, etc. We ate in the restaurant and I think I had the single most wonderful sandwich of my entire life. It was that good.

Once we finished lunch we headed up to the resort where we are staying and hung out at the pool for a few hours. It was warm but incredibly windy but that didn't both the kids any. After swimming we got dressed and headed out to dinner in one of the casino resorts. Jake fell asleep at dinner so he ended up back in the hotel room with Grandpa after dinner while Mom, Lincoln, and I went to see a movie in the theater at the casino. We checked Hannah into "Kids Quest" which is a supervised play area that she refers to as "a cross between Chuck E. Cheese and McDonald's Playland". She absolutely loved it there and Mom, Link, and I picked her up on the way back from the movies.

Monday morning the kids got up at a far more reasonable hour than the day before but it appeared it was going to be a somewhat icky day with on and off rain showers. After we went down to breakfast Mom and I headed out to do some shopping while Lincoln took the kids to see a movie. After the movies he took them to the pool between rain storms before dropping them both off at Kids Quest - at their request - while Mom and I headed to their rental house in Needles, CA to do a little laundry. Lincoln, meanwhile, proceeded to lose a whopping $2 at penny poker.

Once we picked the kids up at Kids Quest we headed out to meet Grandpa for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Ft. Mohave. After dinner Grandma watched the kids up in the room while Dad, Link, and I went down to gamble. We didn't stay down there long as neither of us are big gamblers.

This morning was a beautiful, clear day without too much heat. After breakfast we headed over to check out the new house that Mom and Dad are buying in Ft. Mohave. Once we were done there Mom, Link, the kids and I headed up to Davis Dam and then out to lunch. Dad is still working days so he's only hanging out with us in the evenings. After lunch we headed back to the hotel and hung at the pool for a few hours before picking up Grandma B (my grandmother) and going out to dinner for Dad's birthday which is on Thursday. After dinner we went back to Mom and Dad's rental house and opened presents and had cake for Dad's birthday.

And now it's time to head home tomorrow. I have a bunch of pictures that I want to post in the next few days but the internet connection in this hotel is too slow to upload them now.

It has been an incredibly wonderful vacation and I really wish we didn't have to go home tomorrow although I am very excited to see how much has been done on the garage in our absence. With all the craziness of the past few months I have to say, this is just what I needed.

A Whole New World

This morning we stopped at the bakery on the way to Mom and Dad's house to pick up breakfast. It was a very yummy bakery inside a moderately upscale grocery store in Kingman, AZ not far from the resort and not too far from Mom and Dad's. As we were checking out at the register we had a very nice - and quite long - conversation with the cashier. As we were walking away Hannah commented on what a nice man he had been.

Me: Well Hannah, you forget that outside of New England people are actually nice to strangers.

Link: Weird, huh?

Where do I even begin?

Well, we're in Nevada. That's where we ended up. But the day has been one interesting turn after another today.

This morning we left on our vacation to go and visit Mom and Dad. When people ask where we're going on vacation it's sort of hard to answer because we're flying in and out of Las Vegas but staying in Laughlin, NV, visiting Mom and Dad in Needles, CA, and checking out their new house in Ft. Mojave, AZ. And yes, all those things (except Vegas) are within 15 minutes of each other.

We got everything packed up and were out the door on time this morning. We dropped Leo off at Lincoln's brother and sister-in-law's and headed into the city. I had put enough time into our schedule to swing by my office in Cambridge and pick up my iPod which I had forgotten on Friday afternoon. We made excellent time and after we stopped by the office we did a swing through the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru and then through the drive-thru ATM at the bank, all of which is within about 2 blocks of the office. As we were headed to the airport, completely on schedule, Jake threw up. It's not unusual for Jake to get sick if he doesn't have enough food in his stomach before we either drive or get on a plane, but this time Lincoln got up extra early to make him a big breakfast AND our flight wasn't until 10 a.m. I figured we'd be all set. Well, I figured wrong. Jake threw up not far from my office. Once we got him settled, cleaned up, and changed into new clothes, we turned around and headed back to my office to wash up. By the time we left there we were about 20 minutes behind schedule.

There is a parking lot not too far from the airport that if you pre-pay in advance, it's a fairly good deal. We were already late heading over there so it certainly didn't help that the road leading to the parking lot was closed. We had to take a VERY long detour and didn't get to the parking lot until 9 a.m. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 10:01 a.m. and we were still a fairly decent ride away from the airport before you even figured in the detour. The parking lot shuttle was parked right by where we put the car but Jake was busy puking again (this time in a tupperware container we had swiped from my office) while the poor guy loaded up our suitcases and the other shuttle passengers watched, in what I can only imagine, was horror.

We finally got to the airport and I told Lincoln and the kids to head through security while I checked our bag. The woman who was working the Baggage Drop Desk at United is very lucky she wasn't the victim of airport rage today. I have never met a less competent idiot in my life.

I got our bag and Jake's car seat checked and headed to security. When I joined the end of the line I saw Lincoln, Hannah, and Jake heading through the metal detectors up ahead. I, of course, got stuck behind a family traveling with a 10-month old for the first time who had no idea how to go through airport security with a stroller. Luckily they let me jump in front of them and I quickly ran down to our gate where the flight was already boarding.

I called Lincoln to see where they were - and if they had already boarded the plane - only to find out HE HAD ACCIDENTALLY GONE BACK OUT THROUGH SECURITY!!!! Yes, he had to get BACK in line with both kids and all of our carry on bags, including my laptop, and go back through security a second time. By the time they finally got through security AGAIN we had to make a mad dash through the airport in order to get to our gate.

The day got better as we went along. Jake made it through both flights without throwing up again. We made it through our 3 hour layover in Denver without going to crazy. And we made it to the resort in time to have dinner with Mom and Dad before the kids dropped dead from exhaustion.

And so begins our vacation...........

Mom and Dad really should have given me a little brother

Just over two years ago I hired a 23-year old kid named Kegan to work for me as a runner. He only worked for me for a couple of months before he moved into the booking department but he and I remain very good friends. For the past two years I've referred to him as "the little brother I always wanted but Mom and Dad never let me have." Unfortunately Kegan was let go in the "Black Thursday" situation last week when sixteen people were laid off from our local office. The good news is he has a very promising job prospect already. The bad news is that it is in California and I'm going to miss him terribly when he moves away.

So, since my little brother is ditching me for the sunny Left Coast, I am happy to say that I have discovered a new little brother, at least for the time being. Last week I wrote about our new contractor at the office. For the past few weeks Cyril has been spending a lot of time whipping our construction project into shape and I've gotten to know him quite a bit. I've decided that he is the perfect little brother (second only to Kegan, of course). It's perfect. I make fun of him for the fact that he hurts himself golfing and for his strong Irish accent. He torments me by discovering all my little pet peeves and bringing them up any chance he gets. I've even decided that I adore his wife - who I've only met via email - and that no matter what she's right and he's wrong just to annoy him.

See, I would have made a great big sister.

A great family and a great foundation

My father has 7 siblings and even figuring in one bachelor and one nun I still have 22 cousins on my dad's side of the family. It's a fairly big family but we've always been fairly close. I'm pretty sure that most Easters and Christmas Eves at Grandma Lentz's house had a majority - if not all - of us under one roof. Sure there is a huge age gap. The oldest grandchild is in his 40's and the youngest is 13 but, with the exception of the youngest five grandchildren, we all know each other fairly well even if we don't see each other all that often anymore. And it's not that we don't know those younger five, it's just that we didn't have as much time with them before the family started moving all over the country. We used to all be primarily living in Iowa and Illinois. Nowadays, just figuring in the 25 grandchildren on the Lentz side we cover states from Arizona to Massachusetts and Florida to Washington State and a heck of lot of other states in between. Most of Lincoln's family is confined to Massachusetts and Vermont and we see them less than we see mine. In fact, until Nate's funeral in December I had only met 2 of his cousins.

But this is what amazes me about my family. We're close in a way you wouldn't imagine. Do we talk to each other every day and know exactly what is going on in every one's life? No. But we know about the major events like weddings, births, and deaths. And we make sure to celebrate them - or mourn them - as a family.

This year we have two major family events. My cousin Rachel, the youngest of all the grandchildren, had her bat mitzvah in January and all the aunts and uncles, and a good number of the cousins, flew out to New Mexico to help her celebrate. This June my aunt, Sister Bonnie, is celebrating her Golden Jubilee (50 years as a nun) and it sounds like almost all of the cousins will be making it back as well as all of Sister's siblings. I'm flying back alone with both kids for 48 hours even though it means early morning flights that Jake will most likely throw up on. My cousin Brenda is flying in Saturday afternoon for the party and will turn around and fly back to North Carolina the next day.

In this day in age, when everyone is so busy and money is tight and we're spread from coast to coast, I am impressed at what a tight family I have. I am incredibly blessed and I know that all of the credit for creating this tight-knit family rests on my Dad and his siblings. All of them have shown us the meaning of family and it is obviously something that each and every one of us have learned through watching Grandma and Grandpa and their eight wonderful children. Thank you Linus, Charlotte, John, Sister, Dad, Rose, Mike and Joe for giving me such a great foundation.

(And no, I'm not discounting Mom's side of the family. They're pretty freaking awesome too but I only have three cousins on that side so it's not nearly as impressive.) BIG SMILE!

Cleaning day

Me: Hannah, you need to go clean your desk. And when you're done step back and ask yourself, "Is this how Grandma Dena would have cleaned it?" And if the answer is "no" then clean it again.

Vegas, baby, Vegas!

Okay, so it's actually Needles, California but we're flying in and out of Las Vegas. That counts right?

Today I booked our flight out to visit Mom and Dad in Needles, CA again this year. We weren't planning on going this year but since it was going to be such a long stretch between currently scheduled visits - and because I stumbled upon great airfare - I went ahead and booked our trip this morning.

This year we'll be heading out in the middle of April instead of the end of February/early March so hopefully it will be nice and hot out there. Last year it wasn't too bad but by April we're going to want a really nice, hot, sunny vacation.

Obviously enough time has lapsed since our trip to Albuquerque a few weeks ago that I'm willing to get back on a plane with my kids. I must admit, 99.99999999999999% of the time my children are fantastic travelers but our return from New Mexico at the end of last month made me rethink my desire to travel with children. I suppose they were actually still better than most children travelers but it was just a long, tiring, frustrating day flying back from New Mexico.

I'm very excited about going to California in March and I must admit it picked me up out of my doldrums a little bit today. It has been a long few weeks and it's great to have another exciting trip to look forward to. I'm always happiest when I'm planning a trip.

Dad's new hair

Today while we were walking around Old Town with my cousin Julie and her family her husband found this wonderful new hat for Dad. Doesn't he look great with hair?

Albuquerque - Day One (Subtitled: Why you should never teach children about time zones)

In our first 24 hours in Albuquerque we have had 60 mph winds, snow, pouring rain, hail, sleet, and sun. Not necessarily in that order. It was more like wind, pouring rain, snow, rain, sleet, clouds, drizzle, sun, clouds, rain, sun, clouds, rain, hail, sun. Needless to say the weather is a bit kooky around here.

This morning I woke up at 4:59 a.m. to find Hannah staring me in the face. As soon as I opened my eyes she said "It's almost 7 a.m. on my body time." Damn time zones. And damn her for knowing how to add two to the time on the clock. I couldn't fall back asleep so at 5:30 a.m. Hannah, Jake and I headed down to the pool which opened at 5 a.m. and let Lincoln get some more sleep. We had a nice morning down there and after we all got showered and dressed we headed out to Denny's for breakfast with Mom, Dad, Aunt Sandy and Uncle John. After breakfast we set out on a quest to find swim goggles (for Hannah) and a swim ring (for Jake) since I had forgotten to pack both. We went to Walgreen's, Wal-mart, K-Mart, Sports Authority, and another Walgreen's before, at the very last minute, we spotted a Toys R Us hiding behind the big Dillard's across the street from the hotel. Score! We made out with all sorts of pool loot and the kids are back down there swimming again. The indoor waterslide gets turned on in an hour so they're excited about that. My cousin's two daughters are here as well and they're 8 and 10 years old so I'm sure Hannah will have a blast with them. My other cousins are bringing a bunch of other kids today as well so by the end of tonight there will be a whole pool full of kids in all age ranges.

We also made a stop in Old Town today which was a lot of fun. Hannah and Jake fought it at first because they wanted to be back in the pool but I think they both really enjoyed themselves even though we were only shopping. They found a lot of fun trinkets and both spent some of their allowance money. I also bought Hannah a yellow kerchief-style dress that is very similar to one that I got in Old Town here in Albuquerque when I was the same age as her. When Mom and Dad get back to Seattle they'll have to send me the picture of me in my yellow dress and I'll post both of them here. For now, here is Hannah in her dress. We got it a little big so that she can wear it this summer (minus the clunky black shoes).

Two peas in a pod

You can never say that my dad and his brother John don't look alike.

Mom, you may want to be sitting down when you read this post

My mother might actually pass out from the excitement of this post and the accompanying pictures.

I wish I had taken "before" pictures of the closet but basically all you have to do is picture three racks of clothing (one on each wall....one long, and two short) all crammed with so many clothes that you couldn't put anything else on the racks. Then picture stuff from the floor all the way up to the bottom of the clothes and from the shelf over the clothes all the way up to the ceiling. Picture boxes falling everywhere. Purses crammed under foot stools (yes, for some reason we had a foot stool in the closet) and boxes and unused wooden shelving sticking out in such a way you could barely close the door to get to the clothing bar behind the closet door. In short, picture a really full, really messy and there you have it.


We're not 100% done with the closet yet. Lincoln has two shelves he can use if he wants and there are two shelves that we'll probably moving the bedding to when we clean out the linen closet in the bathroom. Also, the empty top shelf above the drawers is where the Tivo and cable box go as they're fed through the wall to the TV on the other side. Finally, we actually have one empty drawer that I'm not sure what we'll use it for but I'm sure we'll find a use.

Okay Mom.....time to be proud of us!

The stuff from the closet. This is just the stuff from under and over the clothes racks.

Getting the supplies ready:

The old single rack across the closet:

The clothes from the closet:

Installing the new shelves. This process might have broken a lesser marriage. Note to self, don't start these projects late at night after a long day.

The new TWO-tier racks and four shelves. On the right there are four shelves. Two are currently empty (Lincoln's), along with my two, which contain my pajamas, sweatpants, and tank tops. Mom will recognize all those things as the items that lived on top of the dryer because we had no where else to put them. Under the shelves is the mini-fridge. We put that in when we moved into the house thinking we'd stock it with beer and wine for the Master Suite. Instead it ended up being a bottled water and formula fridge. We're finally starting to use it for it's original purpose.

Behind the closet door. There is a shoe rack on the back of the door and behind the door are these drawers containing belts, ties, and shawls, swimsuits and pool towels, and purses/backpacks. Underneath is another shoe rack. Yes, I have both lion slippers and rabbit slippers. I also have sock monkey slippers but those live under my desk in the office.

More behind the door stuff. The shoe rack hangs on the back of the closet door. Above the closet door is Lincoln's hat rack. Above the drawers you can see the additional empty shelves for the bed linens and the top shelf (and wires) for the Tivo/Cable box.

And that's it. Next up is the bathroom linen closet and under the sink cabinets.

Take a deep breath Mom. It's going to be okay. We promise to keep it this way until at least your next visit.