Men are such babies

Earlier this week I went to the Paper Store to buy a card for Lincoln for our anniversary. At the checkout was this little book designed to look like a police officer's ticket book. It had a list of violations that you could charge your kids fines for including whining, not cleaning their room, leaving dirty laundry on the floor, swearing, etc. Fines range from fifty cents to about $2.50.

I thought it was hilarious.

The kids didn't.

Yesterday Hannah got a warning violation - meaning she didn't have to actually pay the $4.50 in fines - posted on her kitchen board (more about that later). This morning Jake left his dirty laundry all over the floor and I told him that he had to pick it up.

Me: Jake, you need to pick up your dirty laundry. That's what Hannah got a warning violation for yesterday.

Jake: What?

Me: Yeah, you know, a ticket? Part of her fine was for leaving dirty laundry around. I'll give you one if you don't pick up your dirty laundry.

Jake: Seriously? SERIOUSLY? You would seriously do that to a man with a cut?!?

And then he proceeded to show me the world's smallest cut on the back of his hand.

Nice try Bud.

Is guilt and nagging a good parenting style?

Jake is my youngest.

Jake is spoiled rotten.

Yes, rotten.

I love him to death but he is definitely coddled - especially by his Grandma and Grandpa Snow. And us. I can't excuse us from the blame.

I just did his school shopping for kindergarten and got him all elastic waist pants because he "can't do buttons".

I picked him up from G & G Snow's yesterday and told him to clean up his toys but he looked at me and said "Grandpa cleans them up."

Then when I asked him to put his shoes on he told me he liked it better when Daddy picked him up because then someone (either Daddy or Grandpa or Grandma) helps him put on his shoes.

We've finally gotten him to wipe his own butt when he poops but that was quite the trial for awhile.

Today Mom, Hannah, and I picked up Jake at G & G Snow's so that I could drive them up to stay in a hotel with Dad up at Ft. Devens where is working. While we were in the car I was talking to Mom about how Jake is never going to learn to do anything for himself because everyone always does everything for him.

I listed all of the things above (the shoes, the wiping, the elastic pants).

Me: But, he is learning how to tie his shoes.

Jake: (piping up from the back seat) There! Are you happy now Mom?

I probably should have felt ashamed as a parent but to be honest, I burst out laughing.

God I love that kid. Elastic waisted pants and all.

Should we really be allowed to parent?

Today we went out and bought Valentine's Day cards for the kids. I picked up Spiderman ones for Jake while I was out earlier today and tonight after dinner we went to The Paper Store for Hannah to pick out her own. She chose "Cool Tattoos" which are Japanese looking rub-on tattoos with flowers, fish, birds, mountains, etc. When we were leaving the parking lot I commented to Lincoln about how I liked them.

Link: Jake's are tattoos too.

Me: Oh yeah? But these are cool tattoos. Not lame baby tattoos. These are grown-up girl tattoos.

Link: So, what, they go on your lower back?

Me (sarcastically): Yes, they're beginner tramp stamps.

Link: Try it before you buy it, right?

Payback is a bitch

Jake repeats himself.

Over and over and over again.

And if you don't acknowledge what he has said - or asked - he will continue to repeat himself until you cave in and acknowledge him. Oftentimes what he has said doesn't really need to be acknowledged since it doesn't require a reply but he still wants one. Hannah used to do the same thing.

This morning Jake kept saying the same thing over and over and over to Hannah and she was trying her best to ignore him.

Me: Hannah! Answer him already.

(Hannah answers him)

Me: Hannah, I would just like to state for the record that when he does that and it annoys you so much, that you used to do that to Mommy and Daddy all the time.

(Hannah just stares at me.)

Me: Sucks, doesn't it?

From baby to boy

I am utterly in love with my son these days. I've loved him since his birth, obviously, but something about him these days is just so incredibly endearing. It's like a switch was flipped on his 5th birthday and he went from being a baby to a little boy. His mannerisms are different. His communication skills are different. His attitude is different. He's just different. And so freaking adorable.

I remember going through this with Hannah to a degree but when she turned 5 we had a 2 year old at home that was distracting us with his craziness. It may have been a more subtle change or it may just not have been noticed as much by two distracted parents.

Hannah has also grown up a lot lately. She's incredibly responsible and helpful around the house. She's sweet and kind and caring and is so good with Jake and Leopold. She is definitely turning into a little lady and it saddens me that before long she'll be a teenager that doesn't want to hang out with her Mom anymore.

My little babies are growing up.

A little me

Hannah just spoke to her brother with the fake sincerity of a parent. You know that "Oh, wow! That's great!" exclamation that parents give their children when they bring them some sort of unrecognizable art project or when the kids excitedly run and tell you the most mundane news like it's the most exciting thing in the world.

That's the tone I'm talking about.

And Hannah has it mastered. She just pulled it out for Jake and I could sworn it was me in the other room.

Throwing my words back at me (sort of)

I know it is a cliche but one of my favorite things to say to Jake is "What part of 'no' did you not understand?" This morning Lincoln said he was going up to take a shower and I didn't hear him the first time so I said "What?"

Jake: A shower. What part of shower did you not get a hold of?

Deep Breaths

Earlier today my sister-in-law (the other Diane Snow) called and invited Lincoln and me to join her and her husband to listen to a band down at the Rose Garden. The Rose Garden is a bar here in town that is about 2 miles from our house.

Here's the thing. We didn't have a babysitter. So Diane (94)* volunteered her daughter Kayla to watch the kids.

Kayla is 11.

Yes, I started babysitting at 9. But Kayla is 11. And they're my kids. It's a whole different ball of wax, if you know what I mean.

I wanted to be okay with it. Kayla and her brother Kyle (age 17) are the most polite and most well-mannered kids that I've ever met but Kayla is still 11. E-L-E-V-E-N. It seemed old when I was 11 but now it seems like a baby.

And Jake agreed with me.

Jake LOVES Kayla. He calls her Kiki and she's one if his absolute favorite people in the entire world and yet when we told them she'd be babysitting he freaked out. He started crying and curled up in my lap and said "but won't there be an adult here!?!"

He freaked out so much I asked Lincoln if maybe there was something we didn't know that Jake was having some sort of sixth sense about. We decided to brave it and wrote down the number of the Rose Garden along with the number for Daddy's cell phone and 911.

Yes, I felt the need to clarify the number for 911.

At dinner we went over the rules with the kids and what was acceptable and what wasn't. I told them they should stop and think, "Would Mommy or Daddy say no to this?" before they did anything. It was all worked out and yet as we drove down the driveway I panicked that I didn't know if Kayla knew the Heimlich or not.

I'm usually a fairly laid back parent. When Hannah was less than 6 weeks old I used to leave her with a 12-year old while I went to the grocery store but I was a wee bit freaked out tonight. Kayla is really good with the kids but sometimes they get a little crazy. And Kayla was playing with Jake the night he split his head open jumping down the stairs a few years ago. It certainly wasn't her fault - and I was home at the time - but my nightmare is that he does it again while we're gone and no one is here to drive him the hospital.

Justin and Diane came down to drop Kayla off at 8:15 and I ended up quoting Spiderman. Lincoln would have been so proud of me. I said "With great power comes great responsibility." On top of that I said "Being in charge doesn't mean being bossy. It means being responsible."

Me, the most laid back parent in the universe was having a minor panic attack.

Even Diane (94) was making fun of me.

Me: We even went over fire plans with them. If there is a fire they're all supposed to meet at the apple tree.

Diane (94): Good God. Did you tell them what to do if someone breaks into the house too?

Me: Yes. They're supposed to hide in Hannah's walk-in closet.

Lincoln: And take the phone with them!

Originally I had given a timeline to Lincoln of one and a half hours....that was as long as we were to be gone. We had left the phone number for the Rose Garden (cell phones don't really work in downtown Upton) and had also taught Hannah how to text Daddy from Mommy's phone which we had left at home (texts come through but not phone calls) but I was still a wee bit nervous. Lincoln told me to do a shot when we got to the bar to loosen up but I didn't. I did, however, last an extra hour and we were home after 2 1/2 hours.

We came home and walked in the door to find Jake fast asleep - in his room no less! - and Hannah declaring Kayla to be "the best babysitter ever!"

It's amazing to me to think back to my childhood and how I started babysitting so young but now I'm a wreck when someone who is only 11 babysits my kids. Perspective on these things seriously change as you become older. It truly is amazing to view your own childhood through the lens of a parent. I always marvel at what freedom my parents gave me and how important it is to let my own kids have the same freedom.....it's just that much harder when they're your own.

*Diane (94) is my sister-in-law of the same name that lives on the same street. Her house number is 94 while ours is 106 so therefore she is referred to as Diane (94).

Empty House

It's not unusual for Lincoln and I to take a weekend (or longer) and get away from the kids for awhile. We enjoy taking trips together and luckily my parents enjoy staying with the kids while we travel. I miss the kids while we're gone but since it's not our usual routine I'm usually distracted by whatever wonderful activities we have planned on our travels. It's a totally different story when we're in our house all alone without the kids. I'm constantly listening for them in the other room and waiting for that "Daddy! Mommy!" cry that means you have to take care of something. Last night we giddily ran around the house turning off night lights and talking about how we were guaranteed to sleep past 7 p.m. because Jake wouldn't be waking us up but this morning we were both in bed saying "wow, this feels so weird without the kids." The kids definitely make this house come alive and as enjoyable as it is to get some peace and quiet sometimes it will be nice to have them back this evening.

Big Boy.....Little Man

I don't know if it's because Hannah isn't around to compare him to or what but all of a sudden Jake seems like such a little man. Watching him tonight I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he sat and played with Daddy. He looked so grown up. He looked taller. He looked smarter. He looked more mature. He just didn't look like a baby.

Has Jake always seemed younger because of his age or because Hannah is older? When Hannah was Jake's age did she seem older because she was the big sister or because of her personality? When Hannah comes home will Jake be my baby again? Will neither of them be my baby ever again? Has the ultimate side effect of Hannah's trip with Grandma and Grandpa been to strip me off my babies?

I don't want more kids. I don't want to be pregnant again. I don't want an infant again. I don't want a toddler again. As my mother once said to me, every age they are in is the best age. That is true. But that doesn't mean I don't mourn the age they just were.

I think I've said it before...whenever Hannah has a birthday I say to myself "I can't believe I have an 8 year old". When Jake has a birthday I say to myself "I can't believe I'll never have a 3 year old again." I remember when Hannah was a newborn. I remember when the only noise she was capable of making was a squeak. I remember when she flopped in my arms like a wet dishrag and I could never imagine she would be bigger than a doll. Now she is so much more.

Earlier this year, before Mom and Dad suggested taking Hannah for three weeks, I suggested to Lincoln that we ask Mom and Dad if they would want to take her for a week this summer. He thought it wasn't a good idea because she hadn't been terribly responsible lately - and she hadn't. And then when Mom suggested the idea again we decided that it was an opportunity we couldn't deny her. This was a huge opportunity for her and she deserved it. And she has proven to be so incredibly worthy of this experience. I love hearing from her everyday but even more than that I love hearing from my parents. I love hearing how excited she is about everything and how well-behaved she is. I love hearing that she was "a trooper" during a delayed flight that kept them traveling until 4:00 a.m. I love hearing that she's charming, and social, and a flirt. In May she may have been acting irresponsibly but right now she is blowing me away with her responsibility and I couldn't be more proud.

And that brings me to Jacob. In some ways he has regressed. Poor Lincoln sometimes can't even take a shower without Jake attached to his side like a shadow but on the other hand he just seems that much older. He does things on his own. He figures out solutions he never would have in the past. He is his own little man.

Before Hannah left on her trip I wondered how this would affect us. Would she be homesick? Would I miss her terribly? Would Jake whine and cry without his playmate? While I do miss her terribly the rest of the stuff hasn't happened. Instead my children have matured 10 times more this summer than they have in previous years and I'm not sure I'm ready for that to happen.

But as I sit and ponder this I can trust Jake to put it all back into prospective for me.

Me: Come and hug me. I'm sad.

Jake: Why?

Me: Because I won't ever have a baby anymore.

Jake: Why?

Me: Because you're all grown up. And Hannah's all grown up.

Jake: I told you we should have another baby.

Yeah.....not going to happen.

Parent #3

Sometimes Hannah feels she needs to keep us in check as parents. Lately Jake has been dealing with some scaly skin on his elbows so I bought some special OTC lotion to put on them in hopes of clearing up the problem.

Hannah: Have you thought about taking Jake to a doctor for his elbows?

Me: Yes. But we're going to try this first.

Hannah: You really might want to think about taking him to the doctor.

Link: Thank you Parent #3.

Maybe Hannah should go away more often

When I get home from work each night it's usually between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. Lincoln and the kids have usually been home for an hour or two and are already full on in "relaxation mode". When I walk in the door after a long day at work and a long commute the first thing I want to do is unwind. I don't want to walk in the door and immediately start playing. Unfortunately by the time I've settled in it's time to sit down for dinner and then it's time for bed. Our children are used to a late schedule and it's not uncommon for us to eat at 8:00 or 8:30 and then the kids go to bed at 9:00. It doesn't leave a lot of time for me to play with them in the evenings and I'm the first to admit that I'm guilty of telling them "not tonight" or "maybe tomorrow".

This week has been different though. The past few nights when Hannah has asked me to play something I think to myself "you know what, this is one of my last opportunities to play this game with her before she leaves for three weeks." And I must admit the last few nights have been some of my favorite times with the kids lately. Last night Hannah wanted to play Duck Duck Goose (or Grey Duck) and the four of us made time to play it in the living room before the kids went to bed. We had a blast. Today I got out of work early and we got in the pool for an hour or so before the sun went behind the trees. Usually when we're in the pool the kids play and I float on my lounger and read a magazine while watching the kids. I sometimes stand in the water but very rarely do I go under (at least not until the water warms up a little more...it's still pretty chilly). But tonight I didn't do that. Tonight all four of us got in and splashed around. We shot each other with the water cannons and played basketball. We did dolphin dives and raced each other back and forth. Hannah swam under our legs and we pushed Jake back and forth on his inner tube as part of a game we made up on the spot. The whole thing was a blast and definitely something we don't do often enough because we think to ourselves that "we'll do that later....or next week.....or in August when it gets warmer."

Tonight we're going to take our dinner out to eat on the pool deck and then we're going to cook s'mores over the firepit. After that it's our monthly boy/girl night where Hannah and I have a slumber party in our bedroom and Jake and Lincoln hang out downstairs playing video games before crashing together in Jake's room. What a great night to kick off our last weekend at home with all four of us until the middle of August. After we leave this week Hannah won't be back until August 15th. The looming reality of her being gone for so long has definitely made life a whole lot sweeter the past few days and I for one am grateful for it. What great memories. Hopefully we can all keep this up when she gets back and not fall back into taking our lives together for granted.

I think every night parents should take the time to hug their kids a little bit closer, and a little bit longer, than the day before. Our time with them is so precious and it goes by so quickly.

Jake had better learn to snuggle (Subtitled: And so it begins)

Hannah is leaving me. I knew it had to happen someday but I never suspected it would be so soon. Hannah is packing up and moving to Seattle. Okay, so not really. She's just going to visit Grandma and Grandpa but it still sucks for everyone but her. Let's not even discuss how this will affect Jake. After all, he wasn't happy about her going to her friend's house for a sleepover last week. Let's focus on me. I am so excited that Hannah will get this opportunity this summer but she's going to be gone for three weeks. THREE WEEKS people!!!! When she leaves us two weeks from Friday she won't be back until August 15th. Holy Long Time Batman!

Let's back up....

Lincoln and I are packing up the kids and driving to Iowa in a few weeks. Mom and Dad will be there at the same time because they're coming back to visit for a week before they have to go down to Des Moines where Dad will be teaching a class the following week. They are then coming out here in August when Dad will be teaching a class up at Ft. Devens here in Massachusetts. So the plan is that we will hand Hannah over to Grandma and Grandpa in Decorah at the end of our vacation and she will continue on with them down to Des Moines for a week. They'll also be visiting my cousin Bob in Cedar Rapids and I think they have a few other plans as well. At the end of that week they'll fly back to Seattle with Hannah where she'll stay with them until they come out to Boston on August 15th (missing my birthday, I might add!). The bitch of it is that I can't really complain too much because it was originally my idea. I suggested it when we were all together out in California at the beginning of March but I never really thought Mom and Dad would go for it. Mom called me last week and said they'd been thinking more about it and that it sounded like a great idea. Obviously I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

In all seriousness though I think this is a fantastic opportunity for Hannah. She is absolutely going to love being with Grandma and Grandpa for 3 weeks and she'll also get to spend time with her cousins out in Seattle. I think in the long run it will also be a good thing for Jake once he gets over the fact that Hannah isn't going to be around for almost a month. The real problem is going to be the fact that she's going with Grandma and Grandpa, not just that she's going away. He is going to be SO pissed that he doesn't get to go too. It should make driving home with just him in the car that much more delightful. (I really hope you could note the sarcasm in that last sentence.) I think we may need to do a secret hand off in a dark alley so that Jake doesn't see who she is going off with. Does Decorah have any dark alleys? I might need to research that.

While I'm excited for Hannah I'm going to miss her terribly. I guess this is a good start for learning how to deal with her absence for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually she'll be off to college so maybe I should take the next 10 years and slowly building up to that day.

That being said, don't think I haven't been trying to talk her out of it. Unfortunately she has an answer for everything.

ATTEMPT ONE:

Me: But who is going to snuggle with me when you're gone? If I try to snuggle with Jake I'll be black and blue by the time you get back.

Hannah: You can snuggle with Boog (her favorite teddy bear). I'll leave him behind for you.

ATTEMPT TWO:

Me: What about the pool? That's a long time that you could be home here swimming in the pool.

Hannah: Yeah but Grandma and Grandpa have a hot tub.

Can't they just stay little forever?

I'm sure that is the question that many parents ask. I'm not ready for them to grow up. And it's not because I'm not ready for them to grow up and move on. I'm not ready to deal with the things that will face them when they are teenagers. The pamphlet that I picked up recently at the doctor's office says that by Hannah's 8th birthday (this coming August!) I should have already talked to her about the basics of sex and what will happen to her during puberty. That was enough to send me reeling. I always thought I'd be the "cool" parent who could openly talk to her kids about these things but just the thought of talking to Hannah made me question my "coolness". I can handle puberty. It's the boys and sex and all that stuff that makes me nervous. And granted she doesn't need to know all about that by the age of 8 but she definitely needs to know about it well before she turns 16 and with as fast as the first 8 years went I'm sweating a little about the next few years. And when do you do it? When is too early and when is it a matter of shutting the barn doors after the horses have already gotten out? And every generation seems to get into these matters years before the previous generation so I take into consideration my experiences, deduct a few years, and pray. Maybe she'll be a late bloomer. Judging how she's already making googly eyes at the boys in the park and Mikey I'm worried that might not be the case. And what about those darn boys! Even if she's a little angel you have to worry about all those little reprobates running around. Lincoln and I were discussing this tonight, in a round about way, when Hannah was walking around with her glasses on.

Me: I'm very worried about the fact that "boys will make passes at girls that have glasses" in Hannah's case.

Lincoln: The nerdy sexy look?

Me: Yeah, the naughty librarian.

And before any of you get creeped out that we think that about our daughter, we don't. She just looks that much more adorable with her glasses on and at no time in the next 10 years or so (at least!) do we want any boys to think our daughter is adorable, or worse yet, sexy.

And if it's not sex, it's drugs. Or if it's not drugs, it's bullying. And if it's not bullying, it's depression. My mother forwarded me an email from some of their good friends from when we lived in Arkansas and awhile back their 19 year old son committed suicide. While teenage suicide is absolutely tragic and alarming in any family this shocked me by how completely unexpected it was. His friends said he sounded normal and fine the day before. He had plans for the weekend. He had told his dad that he'd like to speak to a counselor but his dad got him an appointment in less than 24 hours and he still never made it there. I mean, how do you know? How can you save your kids when there are no signs? How do you protect them from every evil both internal and external, seen and unseen, life threatening and merely life altering?

How on God's green earth does anyone grow up to be a normal, well-adjusted adult? All I want is for my children to grow up healthy, safe, and happy knowing that they're loved and that they're happy with the decisions that they've made throughout their lives. I may not love everything that I've done in the past but overall I'm pretty comfortable with my life and my life experiences.

My parents were great parents. Still are, of course. I remember my mom's greatest words of wisdom, which I plan on pulling out in a few years, was "Just let us know what is going on. We know you'll be faced with things over the next few years (i.e. drinking, boys, etc.) and that is to be expected but it will be easier for us to deal with any situations that arise if we know where you are and what you're doing." I'm sure that's not exactly how the conversation went down but it's what I remember. And I always thought of that throughout my teenage years. That and my dad's words of wisdom whenever I went on a date: "Don't disgrace the family." I may not have always told my parents what was going on.... I adopted more of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy... but I was never bad. I never went crazy. I knew my parents were always there for me. I also knew that if I got knocked up or married while in college I was responsible for my own tuition and that put the fear of God in me but that's besides the point.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess life is just a constant fear from the moment you first have children. I just hope that Lincoln and I can get Jake and Hannah through this with as much success as possible.

More importantly, at what age is it appropriate to send Hannah to live in a convent?

New respect for my mother

When I was little my mom was a stay-at-home mother until I was in 1st grade. She babysat for Leah and Rachel Klevar too and to this date Rachel is one of my closest friends in the entire world. I always thought that when I had kids I would be a stay at home mom and maybe babysit for another little kid or two that would grow up to be life long friends with mine. That didn't happen. There are days I don't even want to be around my own kids much less someone else's. If being a parent has taught me anything it has taught me that there are very few kids in this world that I like other than my own and those of my family and friends. And for the 5 months that I decided to try being a stay-at-home mom when Hannah was a baby taught me that I'm a sucky stay at home parent. I need a grown-up outlet to keep my sanity.

When I was in first grade my mother went to work as the secretary at my school. After dealing with the yearbook distribution this week, and dealing with irate parents and watching the principal and the secretary have to deal with all sorts of piddly issues while I've been in the office each morning, I have more respect for my mom than ever before.

This morning when I was in the office a little boy came in crying because another kid had broken his toy on the bus. I couldn't quite see what it was but I think it was a Nintendo DS. When Hannah asks to take even a cheap, plastic toy or stuffed animal on the bus the first thing I say to her is "That's fine but if it gets lost, stolen, or broken I don't want to hear about it. It's your call." So luckily it wasn't me that the kid in the office came crying to today because I probably would have said "Why the fuck did you have that on the bus in the first place? Suck it up and get back to class."

Mom....I bow down to you. You have earned a place in heaven for sure.

The sex talk

I picked up a booklet while we were at the doctor's office the other day about "Puberty in Girls".  It said that puberty can start between the ages of 8 and 13 years old and that by the time girls turn 8 they should know what to expect in regards to the upcoming changes in their body AND that they should know the basics of sex.

Hannah will be 8 in August.  I'm not ready for this.

A small glitch in our creative genius

On Monday we purchased a digital clock for Jake's room so that he knows what time it is when he wakes up in the morning.  He earns a quarter for everytime he lets us sleep until at least 7:00 a.m.  The first two days he did great.  This morning I heard him tiptoe into our room at 6:49 a.m.  I peeked at him under my eyelids and watched him walk in, look at us still sleeping, and then turn around and creep back into his bedroom.  I thought we were all set until I heard him climb back into bed and then cry out "Hannah!".

Co-parenting fell through the cracks tonight

Lincoln and I try not to disagree on parenting decisions in front of the kids no matter how minor the situation.  Tonight we told the kids to get ready for bed and Hannah, who was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt today, asked if she could sleep in what she was wearing.  She does this a lot.  I don't know if she's just too lazy to get ready for bed or what.  Jake, who was wearing wind pants and a t-shirt decided to try the same thing.

Hannah: Can I wear this to bed?

Me: Sure, but you have to take your socks off.

Hannah: But they keep my feet warm.

Me: Yeah, there is just something icky about wearing dirty socks to bed.

Hannah: Okay.

Jake: Can I wear this to bed?

Lincoln: No.

Jake: Why?

Me: Yes, you can.  Just take your socks off.

Lincoln: And you have to change your underwear too.

Me: Sorry.  I totally just went against your parenting in front of the kids, didn't I?

Lincoln: Yeah, but I turned it around there at the end.  

Me: Nice job.

Pros and Cons of having children

Jake: Does everyone have kids?

Me: No. Not everyone.

Jake: Who doesn't have kids?

Me: Aunt Debbie and Uncle Mark don't have any kids.

Jake: Why?

Me: Because they like having money.

Cut to Hannah whistling and dramatically avoiding eye contact

Jake: Why do you have kids?

Me: So that you'll take care of me in my old age.

Trust issues and scaring the shit out of myself

Jake and Hannah have always treated injuries and illnesses very differently. Jake rarely complains about a stomach ache unless he's trying to get out of going to school. Hannah treats every injury as though she is on her death bed. Jake barely put up a fuss when he split his head open and required two staples in the back of his skull. Hannah always has chronic complaints about her stomach, her head, and her ankles that seem to have no real symptoms. No fever, no swelling, etc. Nothing concrete. It becomes hard to believe her. Does she really have an issue? Is she just overly sensitive? Is she looking for attention? It's definitely a fine line. You don't want to ignore her because what if it really is something serious? On the other hand, I don't want to be in the pediatrician's office every other day.

Her headaches sort of started out this way. My rule of thumb for something I can't see is how often, and how consistently, does she complain about it. If she's hobbling around on a "hurt" ankle but then gets distracted and runs off with her friends I assume she's fine. The headaches though have been fairly consistent but even they have their ups and downs. After I took her to the pediatrician and he thought it was the fact that she was grinding her teeth she seemed to notice that she was clenching or grinding all the time and she said when she stopped her headaches were better. Then we went to the dentist who said it had nothing to do with her teeth and I didn't hear her complaining very much about it anymore. I thought maybe it had disappeared and it had, no pun intended, all been in her head. I still didn't want to ignore it entirely which is why I've made the eye doctor and neurology appointments.

Which brings me to today....

The school nurse doesn't usually call me if Hannah has a headache. Hannah's teacher and I discussed the headaches a few weeks ago and she said that she usually just lets Hannah sit in a quiet corner when she complains of headaches and they eventually go away. Here is what concerned me about today. In the email Mrs. B said that Hannah "had trouble seeing the paper". Notice she doesn't say she had trouble "reading" the paper. So of course my mind runs wild. On one hand I think to myself that I'm glad she had vision problems today because then at Saturday's appointment the eye doctor will probably tell me she needs glasses and we'll call it a day. On the other hand, and this is where my mind goes to a very dark place way too easily, I envision the eye doctor telling me that Hannah has a tumor pressing on her eye ball or something like that. It could happen. You hear those stories all the time on telethons.

I called Hannah once she got to Grandma and Grandpa's house this afternoon to ask her about it.

Me: Hey there sweetie. I hear you had a headache at school again today.

Hannah: Yeah.

Me: Mrs. B said you had trouble seeing the paper in Music class.

Hannah: Yeah.

Me: Can you tell me a little bit about it so that I can tell the doctor on Saturday?

Hannah: I couldn't see the paper.

Me: What do you mean? Were the words blurry?

Hannah: No, they weren't blurry.

Me: Why couldn't you see them? Did you see spots or anything else in front of your eyes?

Hannah: I saw spots.

Me: What kind of spots? Were they white spots? Or black?

Hannah: Black spots.

Me: Were there a lot of little black spots? Or one big black spot?

Hannah: No, big black spots.

Okay, that makes me nervous. I try not to "lead" her with these questions but on the other hand, getting information out of her without asking specific questions is impossible. When she comes home from school each day and you ask "What did you do today?" she says "I don't remember" but if you say "Who did you sit with at lunch?" or "What did you do in Science?" or "Did you play with anyone at Recess?" then she'll tell you "Cassie", "we learned stuff", and "yes" but you still have to pry any additional info out of her.

I don't think of myself as a hypochondriac. I didn't got into my dentist's office and say "I have a white spot in my mouth....do you think it's cancer?" but when my dentist finds it and says "it's probably nothing but it could be pre-cancerous if left untreated" then yes, my mind definitely envisions the worst case scenario even if I truly believe it's nothing. Same with Lincoln's mole. I'm not obsessively checking his back every night looking for cancerous moles but now that the doctor said that she "didn't like the looks of one" I will admit I'm a little worried. I just like to get the "all clear" from professionals.

I'm sure that Hannah's headaches are just because of eye strain but until I hear that from the eye doctor herself I will continue to have the occasional "what if" moment. The fact that all three of these things are happening at the same time makes me feel like I'm a total nut job that is overreacting to everything.

Watch.....it will turn out that the three of us are fine and it's really Jake, the only one not seeing a specialist these days, that has the secret, deadly illness.

I'm just kidding.....sort of.