Aunt Lorraine

I don't know where to start.

I know it has been a seriously long time since I've blogged.

Until tonight it has also been a really long time since I talked to my parents or my sister Debbie.

I don't know where I am mentally.

On one hand I feel better than I've felt in a long, long time. I feel like me. I feel happy and confident and not depressed.

You would think that's a good thing.

But the days that I feel the best....I feel the worst.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

Christmas was great. For Christmas I planned a series of trips for the family. Link got a trip to Dublin with me in January. Hannah got a trip to Paris and London with me in February. Jake got a trip with the whole family to Niagara Falls in April.

I was happy. I was excited for our travels. I had actually paid for almost all of Christmas with the debit card and not the credit card.

And yet.

I cut.

I cut myself on Christmas. Two long slashes along my arm.

Why?

I don't know.

It had been one of the happiest days I've had in a long time.

But I did.

And then a few days later I was curled up in the fetal position afraid to take care of my kids while Link was at work.

Then New Years Eve came along.

Once again, it was a good day. We had Lincoln's brother and sister-in-law over. There was good food, a few drinks, and a fun time playing cards.

But the night ended in tears, a lot of cutting, and me in the treehouse by myself praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in.

I think about this blog all the time.

I have notes all over my desk about funny conversations that I've had with the kids. About things that are happening at work or at home.

And yet, I don't care.

I don't want to blog.

For a long time this blog was very enjoyable for me. I loved the fact that it's a diary of my kids' childhood.

And maybe that's why right now I don't want to record what is happening.

I'm happy and yet apparently I'm miserable. Maybe subconsciously I don't want to record what is happening in my life right now.

If I have learned nothing else over the past year, I've learned that depression is not something you can control or even understand.

And apparently it's not something I can conquer.

At least not yet. But I'm going to keep trying.

So, what does this have to do with Aunt Lorraine?

I don't know.

I was reading a book tonight and it made me think of her. How she lives in a very, very, VERY small town in Iowa and lives a fairly simple life with Uncle Bob. She is always warm and welcoming and even if you drop by without a moment's notice she'll lay out a spread of food like she has been expecting your visit for months.

She symbolizes home. And comfort. And family.

And whatever it was that I was reading earlier that triggered my memories of her got me to blog tonight about my problems.

I guess, in that way, she still symbolizes home, and comfort, and family.

And that's what I need to hold onto.

Feeding an army.....An army of one that is

Tomorrow night my cousin Greg, his wife Misty, and their two friends are coming to our house to spend the night during their trip to New England. I'm very excited for them to come and visit but I'm a little nervous about what we're going to feed them.

My Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Bob raised three boys. Three BIG boys. And I don't mean big as in fat. I mean big as in big, brawny, strapping, muscular good 'ol Iowa boys. The kind that think a standard box of cereal is a single serving size. And usually is when consumed in a mixing bowl instead of a regular cereal bowl. I always used to be in awe that Aunt Lorraine can throw together a huge dinner when guests drop by unexpectedly but now I'm starting to realize that what is a huge dinner spread to her guests is probably only equivalent to what she set out as a light afternoon snack when the boys were all in high school.

When I was in high school I stayed with Greg and his first wife Marilyn for a few weeks one summer. I volunteered to cook dinner one night and proudly made a recipe for enchiladas that I had learned in Home Ec during the previous school year. The recipe made eight enchiladas and I remember telling Marilyn that it was probably more than we needed since there was only three of us and their toddler son but she gave me a look and said "not with Greg around." We sat down for dinner with the pan of enchiladas in the middle of the table and I remember Greg picked up the spatula and scooped out four of them for his plate.

So the question becomes, what the heck do we feed them tomorrow night? Lincoln and I are not used to cooking meals like that. Tonight we had ham steaks and mashed potatoes. Lincoln cooked two steaks and between the four of us we only ate one. I think tomorrow night we'll have to pull an "Aunt Charlotte" and make a huge vat of spaghetti with a big salad and a few loafs of garlic bread. I call it the Aunt Charlotte because she had 9 kids and one of the only things I remember from her house was the incredibly large pot of spaghetti that she made when we came to visit.

Despite needing to truck in groceries - not to mention the beer - needed for tomorrow night I am VERY excited for their visit and can't wait to see them. It should be a great time.

And in conclusion...

Our trip is finally over. Well, over except for the two long days of driving ahead of us. The vacation part is over.

Last night we had a wonderful dinner with Lin. Lincoln and the kids went out to play Frisbee in the yard while Lin and I sat with a bottle of wine in front of the fireplace in the library and talked for a few hours. We had so much fun up at the lake and I really wish we had more time to spend up there but we'll just have to schedule another trip back there sometime soon.

This morning we got up and got on the road about 8 a.m. We were headed back to Decorah to experience a little bit of Nordic Fest which we haven't been back for in a couple of years. Three years to be exact. The whole second part of our trip down from Mille Lacs to Decorah was spent following behind a massive summer storm. Cresco, IA was hit with some of the worst weather and there were lots of trees down, a boat that blew into the street, and a number of silos taken down. According to my parents who drove through Cresco later in the afternoon on their way to Ridgeway the corn was pretty much flattened as well. Not pretty.

Luckily we managed to avoid the storm altogether although we could see if off in the distance while we were driving. The clouds were very black and lightening was constantly going off in the distance. Right before we got to Decorah the skies opened up and it was pouring rain but luckily we didn't get any of the high winds or hail that had been predicted. When we finally reached Decorah it had stopped raining and cleared up slightly which was good because otherwise we would have skipped stopping in Decorah this afternoon and would have headed right out to Ridgeway.

Once in Decorah we stopped at the Chick Hatchery for the kids to play with the baby chicks. I love going in and playing with the little chicks....they are so dang cute and soft. Afterwards we walked down the street a ways and the kids rode on Pokey Pete, a little train that runs during Nordic Fest that I rode on when I was a kid. I did some shopping and decided to fill up the hole left behind by Hannah with all sorts of stuff we probably don't need but that I really liked. Every time I came out of a store Lincoln would have to go back to put the stuff in the car because it was either too bulky, too heavy, or too awkward to carry. When I came out of one store with empty hands his chin literally dropped to the curb. After a quick, and very messy, stop at the Whippy Dip we headed out to Bob and Lorraine's for dinner. Bob and Lorraine are actually my Dad's aunt and uncle and are my godparents. They live about 15 minutes out of town and I love going to visit them.

Aunt Lorraine is what I call a "typical old-school Iowa farm wife". They don't actually live on a farm but I'm pretty sure she was probably raised on one. If you stop by her house unannounced she'll have a full spread of ham, potato salad, corn, and God knows what else on the table within minutes. When she's given notice you should really see what she can do. Tonight we had a lovely dinner with them that included us, my parents, Uncle John and Aunt Sandy, their son Greg, and their son Rod and his wife Lori and their daughter Leigh. It wasn't the entire family on their side but it was great seeing those that were able to make it. While dinner was being prepped the skies opened up again and it poured rain but it didn't last too long. After dinner the sun came out and I finished up getting all of Hannah's stuff together and transferred over to Mom and Dad. Hannah is now in their care for the next three weeks. She'll spend another week with them in Iowa before heading back to Seattle for two weeks and then back to Boston on August 15th. I'm holding up pretty well but Jake has already expressed how much he misses her. It should be an interesting three weeks.

Right now we're headed over to Madison to crash at Rachel's for the night before beginning the long journey home to Massachusetts. It has been a crazy drive through a very eerie twilight. Off to our right, and occasionally in front of us, we see dark skies and bursts of lightening flashes. Behind us and over our left shoulders you can see a beautiful sunset. The combination of the two make for a very interesting sky over us right now. Luckily we're still avoiding the major storms moving through the area and it should stay south of Madison for the night so I think we'll be okay.

As I wrap up this posting on the latest part of our journey I'll leave you with this little tidbit from Jakey:

Jake: How come Hannah gets to stay?

Me: Because she's eight.

Jake: She's not eight. She's seven.

He got me there. She technically won't be eight until August 18th. Damn this kid is getting too smart for his own good.