Still alive

I just realized that I haven't posted anything on here since last Thursday. Not a whole lot has been going on. Friday was another crazy day at the office and Saturday I finished the rough draft of the yearbook before going out with Tracy and the gang for a post-St. Patty's Day mini-pub crawl. Today we've just been hanging out. This weekend was absolutely gorgeous and the kids got to run around and play outside with the dog which was great.

Other than that not much is going on. Boring, I know.

My week

My mother informed me that my last post stating that I couldn't talk about what was happening made it sound like someone had died. Thank goodness that isn't the case. No one has died. But, what happened instead, is that we had double digit layoffs here at our office yesterday. So while everyone is still breathing, it definitely feels like a death in the family.

This office is fairly small and the layoffs are actually taking out over a third of our employees. We're a pretty tight family around here and these losses are catastrophic. Unfortunately there was nothing our local office could do to stop this and these decisions were handed down from corporate. My job yesterday was to go around to the people being let go and tell them they were requested in the conference room. Of course everyone knew what was going on after the first person was called in there so I became the Grim Reaper. No one wanted to see me in their office or cubical yesterday.

Some of the people that left yesterday have been here for 10, 15, or 20 years. Some of them have their entire life and personal interests invested in this company and what we do. It was gut-wrenching watching it happen and equally gut-wrenching watching everyone else mourn the loss of the friends, family, and colleagues. A lot of people were in shock yesterday. I'm sure, despite nothing they did, there is some survivor's guilt being felt today.

As for me, I've known about this for a few weeks. It's something I've had to deal with privately since it was to be kept a secret and just one more thing on top of all the chaos with the building renovations. To top it all off, one of the people being laid off was one of my dearest and closest friends in this office. He was a kid that I hired a few years ago and he quickly moved up to work in another department. Definitely a rising star but unfortunately that division is getting cut back.

Yesterday was hard but it was also a big sigh of relief for me since now it is over. It's not hanging over every ones heads anymore since the rumors of layoffs had been floating around for awhile now. I can also talk about it openly which is a huge relief. And yet, today is the hardest part for me. I feel like I'm about to cry at any moment. The layoffs are over and the contractors are almost done and while I should be relieved about both I just feel depleted of all energy and overwhelmed at the same time.

If other's are dealing with survivor's guilt I think I'm dealing with post-traumatic stress. It does feel like a war zone after all.

Getting back on track

We finally took our Christmas tree down today. I can't believe it has taken us until January 17th to get this done but needless to say we've been a little busy lately. I'm also finally getting the closet and bathroom cabinets done and all the other crap on my "to do" list in order.

I really want to resume our regularly scheduled programming

My life is chaotic right now. Chaotic is different than busy. We're always busy. Chaotic is when I don't have two minutes to sit down and get organized. And when I'm not organized life can really suck.

Today was the first day that I haven't had to go to work since New Year's Eve when the office flooded. And not only have I been at work every day I've been there early and left late many of those days. At night I dream about the office. I toss and turn and worry about the contractors and what I have to get done. I'm exhausted. Which means I'm not focusing as much as I should on stuff at the house. The mail is piling up on my desk. Nothing is organized. I can't even focus long enough to make a "to do" list. The only good thing that has happened this week is that Lincoln and I actually did make it out for a date night last night.

It has even taken me an obscenely long time just to write this post because I can't get my thoughts together. I've been attempting a third paragraph for the last 15 minutes and I can't even figure out what I want to write about. I'm giving up. I'm going to bed and hoping that I don't dream of water and contractors and employees that make me want to pull my hair out.

I just can't wait for life to get back to normal. I need normal. I want normal. I crave normal.

Expect the unexpected

This week has been one thing after another when it comes to dealing with what life throws at you. Lincoln's truck had major issues this week and had to have the radiator replaced. Hannah is coming down with a nasty cold when she's supposed to be preparing for a camp-out tonight. My email went down at work at the worst possible time while I'm working on two huge projects for my boss. It always seems like it is one thing after another. Luckily I have the world's best partner at my side. We make a great team and I love you very much honey.

Still here. Just not here.

Yes, we are still here. I feel like I haven't put much up on the blog lately but it seems that there is so much going on that I have too little time and too much to say so I just ignore the blog instead.

Here are a few of the projects that we're currently trying to stay on top of (in no particular order of importance):

• Building the deck
• Family Fun Night for the PTO (I'm chairing it)
• Yearbook (the cover art contest is in full swing)
• Lincoln's business plan (to start applying for business loans)
• Filing the legal paperwork to become an LLC including creating an Operating Agreement plus orchestrating all necessary insurance and accounting changes due to status change
• Financial planner meetings (both for our personal stuff and for business planning)
• Hannah's homework and school activities
• Two large projects that I've just been handed at work
• Implementing a big marketing push for Link's company this fall.

Oh yeah, and then here is just life in general. How could I forget that?

Maybe Hannah should go away more often

When I get home from work each night it's usually between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m. Lincoln and the kids have usually been home for an hour or two and are already full on in "relaxation mode". When I walk in the door after a long day at work and a long commute the first thing I want to do is unwind. I don't want to walk in the door and immediately start playing. Unfortunately by the time I've settled in it's time to sit down for dinner and then it's time for bed. Our children are used to a late schedule and it's not uncommon for us to eat at 8:00 or 8:30 and then the kids go to bed at 9:00. It doesn't leave a lot of time for me to play with them in the evenings and I'm the first to admit that I'm guilty of telling them "not tonight" or "maybe tomorrow".

This week has been different though. The past few nights when Hannah has asked me to play something I think to myself "you know what, this is one of my last opportunities to play this game with her before she leaves for three weeks." And I must admit the last few nights have been some of my favorite times with the kids lately. Last night Hannah wanted to play Duck Duck Goose (or Grey Duck) and the four of us made time to play it in the living room before the kids went to bed. We had a blast. Today I got out of work early and we got in the pool for an hour or so before the sun went behind the trees. Usually when we're in the pool the kids play and I float on my lounger and read a magazine while watching the kids. I sometimes stand in the water but very rarely do I go under (at least not until the water warms up a little more...it's still pretty chilly). But tonight I didn't do that. Tonight all four of us got in and splashed around. We shot each other with the water cannons and played basketball. We did dolphin dives and raced each other back and forth. Hannah swam under our legs and we pushed Jake back and forth on his inner tube as part of a game we made up on the spot. The whole thing was a blast and definitely something we don't do often enough because we think to ourselves that "we'll do that later....or next week.....or in August when it gets warmer."

Tonight we're going to take our dinner out to eat on the pool deck and then we're going to cook s'mores over the firepit. After that it's our monthly boy/girl night where Hannah and I have a slumber party in our bedroom and Jake and Lincoln hang out downstairs playing video games before crashing together in Jake's room. What a great night to kick off our last weekend at home with all four of us until the middle of August. After we leave this week Hannah won't be back until August 15th. The looming reality of her being gone for so long has definitely made life a whole lot sweeter the past few days and I for one am grateful for it. What great memories. Hopefully we can all keep this up when she gets back and not fall back into taking our lives together for granted.

I think every night parents should take the time to hug their kids a little bit closer, and a little bit longer, than the day before. Our time with them is so precious and it goes by so quickly.

Quick weekend update

I realize that I didn't post anything on Thursday or Friday this week and I have to say our lives are pretty boring right now. Lincoln had to work late both nights so I had to duck out of work early in order to get the kids before daycare closed. Last night the kids and I actually went out to dinner with the Walkers and since it took so long to get a table and get served on a Friday night Lincoln was able to join up with us before we had even finished our appetizers. It was a nice meal and we haven't seen them in awhile although we see the girls quite a bit since they babysit the kids a lot. It was this time last year that we got together with all of them to once again plan the Kentucky Derby party and that meal ended up with an ambulance and a surgery. Deb decided to race Hannah outside of Applebee's and ended up tripping and falling into a brick pillar and severely breaking her arm. It wasn't pretty and I'll just sum it up by saying that yes, an ambulance was necessary for a broken arm in this situation. Let your imagine run with that.

We have no real plans and all sorts of plans for this weekend all at the same time. I've got a ton of stuff to do this weekend with the yearbook and finishing staining some wood shelves for our bedroom as well as general cleaning around the house that was ignored last weekend. I've also got to do some returns at Kohl's and Fashion Bug and take Hannah to buy fabric for sewing class before Thursday night. We also want to take the kids to an expo thing down at Valley Tech and Lincoln said if it's nice we'll all go hiking to Peppercorn. Tomorrow we're meeting up with my friend Jennifer for dinner. So I guess we really do have a lot going on this weekend but at the same time I'm not feeling the all consuming "oh my God how am I going to get this all done" feeling that I had last weekend with the yearbook and the basket raffle website.

Who knows what will actually get done. I'm feeling kind of lazy this morning. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Goals, Regrets, and Reality

My friend Stephanie always tells me how impressed she is that I accomplish everything that I set out to accomplish. For some reason that always strikes me a little funny because to me, the things that I've accomplished are fairly basic although I'm no less proud of having accomplished them.

Back when I was in high school I read that if you write your goals down you are more likely to achieve them. I'm sure this is something I read in one of my teen magazines that I was addicted to back then. Anyway, somewhere still floating around my house is a light purple sheet of loose leaf paper with my "goals" that I wanted to accomplish in life. When I write myself up a "to do" list these days I usually toss on a few things I've already done or things that will be done quickly so that I can have the sense of accomplishment when I cross them off. Similarly, my goals list had a few "givens" on it that were never in danger of not being accomplished. I think #1 on the list was "graduate from high school". Some of the other items on the list included "Go to Gustavus", "move to Boston", "get married", and "have kids". Obviously I accomplished all of those. I honestly could not tell you what other goals were on there or if I accomplished them or not. The next time that purple piece of paper turns up in some random box in my house I will let you know.

I don't have many regrets in my life. Sure there are little things here and there that I wish I hadn't done or hadn't said. There are small things that I would change here or there but I've been blessed with a really great life and I couldn't be happier (unless all of a sudden we became millionaires...that would be nice).

I got married very young for this day and age. I met Lincoln right before my 22nd birthday and we were married when I was 23. Hannah was born six days after I turned 24 and Jake came along when I was 27. Many of my friends and colleagues who are the same age as me were barely starting to think about getting married and having kids by the time I was done having my family. Many of the parents that I work with in the PTO, who have children the same age as mine, are much older than me. Under no circumstances do I regret getting married or having my children at such a young age. I firmly believe I'd rather have them young and then (hopefully) be young enough and successful enough at that point in my life to be able to travel and see the world in a way that I never could have with my limited budget in my 20's.

But there are a few things I wish I had put on that list.

I wish I had lived in New York City. I could never live there for long but I wish I had spent a summer there. Three months would have been good.

I wish that I had moved to London after college. I toyed with the idea when I was a senior in college and I probably would have given it more thought if I hadn't had Boston as an option but I really wish I had explored it more. The job I got when I moved to Boston (one criteria for moving to any city: have a job lined up first!) was at a sister company of where I worked in college. They also had companies in England so I totally could have explored that option.

I wish that I had studied abroad. I did a three-week study abroad class called "Theater in and around London" when I was a sophomore in college and I loved it. I really wish that I had done a semester (or a year) somewhere. Many of my friends did this during college and I know it was one of the best experiences of their lives. I was seriously looking into studying in Greece during my senior year at Gustavus but after the tornado hit St. Peter and I had to buy a new car it just sort of fell to the wayside. Now having spent some time in Greece I really wish I had done it because I loved the country, the people, and the food. I would have loved living there for a few months.

For some reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately, partially due to Revolutionary Road which is about a family wanting to move to Paris, and then earlier this week I got the latest edition of The Gustavus Quarterly alumni magazine which has a cover story on studying abroad. There were all sorts of stories in there about students who have studied in exciting places and it sort of bums me out. I really wish I had been able to do that. And more importantly, I hope my kids get to that and that they want to do it. What a fabulous opportunity.In the end it's a good thing that I didn't do any of those things because if I had I would never have met Lincoln and had Hannah and Jake so ultimately I'm happy that I never did those things that I wanted to do. And who knows.....I'll only be 45 when Jake goes off to college so that leaves plenty of time in my life to move to London for six months. Right Lincoln?

A daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife (subtitled: Diane's over use of parentheses)

That is what I fear with my children.

I love watching Hannah grow up and it amazes me, and scares me a little, as I watch her grow up. I look at photos of her as a baby...as a toddler...as a kindergartner....and it scares me that someday she won't ask to fall asleep in our bed or to have a sleepover with Mommy. She promises me now that she will always be my baby girl and that she'll always be my best friend but I know better. I've been the pre-teen girl. I've been the teenage girl. I was a horror to my parents at times. I can admit that now. Freely. And apologize for it. But it's also part of growing up and I know to expect it.

I don't know what to expect with a son. I was looking at Jake tonight as he stood in the doorway between one room and the next. That doesn't seem terribly dramatic in and of itself but he seemed so big. So grown-up. He was debating between going into a room that had a T-Rex on the TV (which he was afraid of) and running to me in the next room (to comfort and protect him). He stood there....on the threshold....and he didn't move. He didn't advance towards what scared him and yet he didn't run to Mommy. And in that moment I flashed back to four years ago...when I sat on the very same couch I was sitting on tonight...and thought about him as a teeny, tiny baby. Breastfeeding and looking at me with infant eyes. Where did those four years go? Where did my baby go and where did this young boy come from?

As I told Lincoln later in the evening, this is what scares me. I don't necessarily fear losing Hannah. I'm sure there will be tough times throughout the years but ultimately she is my daughter and I will always have her. I'm not sure the same is true for Jake.

As they say...."A daughter is a daughter for all of her life....A son is a son until he takes a wife."

Being a daughter (and a daughter-in-law) I can see the validity of that statement. I am certainly still the daughter of my mom and dad. How many times, on this blog alone, have I said "I want my Mommy". How many times, in life in general, have I called my Mom because I'm sad or sick or scared. It doesn't change. I am 31 years old and I will always be my parents' baby....as evidenced by the fact that when I am sick or scared I call her Mommy and when I want to feel secure or babied I call him Daddy.

But now I have a son....and I am married to a son of another woman. On one hand I want to believe that if my son grows up and marries a woman that I don't approve of he'll defer to me, his mother. On the other hand, there have been times in our marriage that I have asked Lincoln to choose between me and his mother and I have fully expected him to choose me. How do I draw that line? How do I balance being a mother and being a wife (and eventually a mother-in-law)? How does that work?

Such heavy thoughts for tonight but tonight Jake has seemed so grown up and Hannah is off on her 2nd ever sleepover. I feel them both slipping away little by little.

I don't want more kids. Lincoln asked me that tonight when I was telling him my thoughts (it was a test since we can't actually have more kids for self-selected medical reasons). Neither of us do. And having more kids certainly won't keep them from growing up (although, as I pointed out, having more kids would give us more options to provide for us when we're older) but it was his way of pointing out to me that we're happy with what we have. We have a beautiful and wonderful baby girl and a handsome and wonderful baby boy and we couldn't be luckier. They are fantastic and I wouldn't trade them for any other boy or girl in the world. Yes, they will get older and yes, life will change, but as Lincoln pointed out to me earlier, the sooner they get older, the sooner we'll have grandchildren.

My husband...he's a wise man...I may not want to let my children go but he's right. It's a circle. Without letting my children grow up to be the adults that they will eventually become I can't become a grandma. I want to be a Grandma. I want to be a Great-Grandma. I see such joy in the eyes of my parents when they look at my kids. And I see that same joy in the eyes of my 95-year old Grandmother when she looks at her great-grandchildren.

It's life. And it continues. And there is so much magic in every stage. It's just important that I enjoy every stage...every moment...every second. They truly are fleeting.

Crazy, busy life

May is the time of year that everything starts to kick into high gear and it seems like life is getting out of control. We have THREE birthday parties to go to this Saturday. One is for a 10 year old, one for a 9 year old, and one for a 7 year old. On top of that it's almost time for Hannah's dance recital and piano recital. Little League is two days a week and that's on top of piano, animal art (an after school "enrichment" class), ballet, and tap. Tonight was my PTO general meeting which means that I missed Little League. Sometimes I wonder what Lincoln and I did with our time before we had kids.