Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Is guilt and nagging a good parenting style?

Jake is my youngest.

Jake is spoiled rotten.

Yes, rotten.

I love him to death but he is definitely coddled - especially by his Grandma and Grandpa Snow. And us. I can't excuse us from the blame.

I just did his school shopping for kindergarten and got him all elastic waist pants because he "can't do buttons".

I picked him up from G & G Snow's yesterday and told him to clean up his toys but he looked at me and said "Grandpa cleans them up."

Then when I asked him to put his shoes on he told me he liked it better when Daddy picked him up because then someone (either Daddy or Grandpa or Grandma) helps him put on his shoes.

We've finally gotten him to wipe his own butt when he poops but that was quite the trial for awhile.

Today Mom, Hannah, and I picked up Jake at G & G Snow's so that I could drive them up to stay in a hotel with Dad up at Ft. Devens where is working. While we were in the car I was talking to Mom about how Jake is never going to learn to do anything for himself because everyone always does everything for him.

I listed all of the things above (the shoes, the wiping, the elastic pants).

Me: But, he is learning how to tie his shoes.

Jake: (piping up from the back seat) There! Are you happy now Mom?

I probably should have felt ashamed as a parent but to be honest, I burst out laughing.

God I love that kid. Elastic waisted pants and all.

I'm still alive

Wow. This is the longest I have ever gone without posting something on the blog.

Yes, I am still alive.

Hannah and Mom flew to Boston and arrived on August 8th. It's so great to have Hannah back and I'm so glad that Mom is here. It was fun showing her the apartment and she has really gotten into making it her own. As much as I have always loved having my parents visit it's nice (for both of us, I'm sure) that she can retreat up to her space if she wants to get away and in the mornings we don't all feel like we're stepping on each other's toes trying to get ready.

Dad arrived in Massachusetts on Monday but won't actually be down to see the house and stay with us until tomorrow. He is teaching up at Ft. Devens for a few days and then will come join us for the next week.

My birthday last Thursday was very nice. I had a nice dinner with Link and the kids, Mom, and Link's parents. Unfortunately, for the first time in my life, this depression that I'm suffering from made me not want to celebrate my birthday. I ALWAYS celebrate my birthday. Heck, I celebrate my entire birthday MONTH. And it wasn't because it was my birthday that I was depressed, it was just a bad couple of days for me.

I'm actually out on a leave of absence from work right now for the next month or two to hopefully help me get back on an even keel. Everything was just getting too overwhelming and I've decided to take a step back for awhile and get thing straightened out. I still see a great psychiatrist weekly and we're working together to find a good medicine combination for me.

I may not write on here as often as I used to. There are a couple sure signs that I'm slipping into a bad spell: not blogging, not opening the mail, and not reading my email. Last week, on my birthday, I had 64 unread emails. That is incredibly unusual for me.

So please don't forget me. Please check back every now and then. I hope to be back to my usual self sometime very, very soon.

God, I hope so.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Professional cleaning

Lincoln pointed out to me today that we used to have our house professionally cleaned before my Mom came to visit. Now we just have the dog professionally cleaned before she gets here.

The miracle of cleaning!

Me: Jake, you need to clean up the kids room before Hannah comes home tomorrow.

Jake: But it's too messy! I can't do it all by myself.

Me: Well, you're the only kid that has been here all month so get cracking.

(a little while later)

Jake: But it's too much for one person.

Me: Just pick up one thing at a time and put it away and then you'll be one step closer to a clean room.

(a little while later)

Jake: Mommy, Mommy! Guess what!

Me: What?

Jake: Every time I pick something up there is more room to step in there!

Me: Go figure.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

5 years

Five years ago this coming December I was out on maternity leave with Jake. I am now about to take a leave of absence from work to help me deal with my depression. My first real absence from work since Jake was born.

Tonight, when Jake fell asleep on the couch, all long limbs and stretched out body, it knocked me on my ass just how quickly these past five years have gone by. The last time I was on leave from work he was a tiny infant, nursing and sleeping all day long. Now he's tall, handsome, outgoing, sometimes annoying, and all around hilarious.

What a difference five years make.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

It's time for a step back

I haven't written much about my battle with depression on the blog. I haven't even mentioned it since the end of June to be exact. And those of you that read this blog regularly, you've obviously noticed I don't post nearly as often as I used to either. Unfortunately, despite a supply of pills and a great psychiatrist, this battle is one I'm slowly losing....for now.

I feel like I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it.

I do feel like I'm in good hands with my doctor though and I know that Lincoln and my family and friends will be with me through it all but it's still a tough time. As someone who also once suffered from depression told me, "it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better." That's what I'm hanging all my hopes on.

Today I spoke with my bosses about taking a leave of absence from work. I need time away from the office to get away from the stress there and try to get stuff in my personal life and around the house in order. I just feel like there is so much piling up that I'm going to get buried under it all and it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. After I spent last Thursday, in my pajamas, at my shrink's office, I knew it was time to ask for some time off work.

I talked with my bosses today and they both immediately agreed to this new situation. They've been wonderfully understanding through this whole process and I couldn't ask for anything more from them.

I told Lincoln, and my mother as well, that you can tell when I'm slipping into a bad spot. I stop answering emails, I stop opening the mail, and I stop blogging. Those are the "superficial" signs of my mood. I think the eyes that won't stop crying, the lack of showering, and the long periods curled up by myself in the bedroom staring at the TV are two clues that Link sees way too often.

My mom is coming out next Sunday and staying for two and a half weeks. I've asked her for help getting my life back together but I told her I need to be able to walk away and hide when I feel like it. I know she'll be very understanding even though it will be frustrating to her. It's hard for anyone to understand when they haven't been through it before. Heck, it's hard for me to understand. And like I told Mom, I'm learning my way through this too so just follow my lead. I'm just glad she's going to be here. As wonderful as Link is, sometimes I just want my Mommy.

I am now an official New Englander

Last Saturday night Lincoln and I were invited to my boss's 30th wedding anniversary party. It was a traditional New England clam bake and while I didn't try any clams (or oysters), I did try lobster. Considering I don't eat seafood of any kind I thought this was a HUGE step. It wasn't too bad. I wouldn't rush out and eat it again but I'm glad I can finally say I've tried it.

Lincoln isn't a big lobster fan either so we decided that we would share one. When you go through the line you can stop at a station where a man in a big white apron takes a huge knife to crack your lobster in strategic spots. That was sort of crazy to watch.

Luckily we sat next to a very nice lady who eats lobster all the time. She taught me how to crack open the tail and get the meat out. She also showed me how to remove the "poop line". And yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.

The first picture below is our lobster in its entirety, although a little banged up by the man with the hatchet, on Link's plate. The second picture is of my plate with the lobster tail only. I love the fact that I had lobster, which is very New England, and corn on the cob, which of course is very Iowan, on my plate.