Sunday, January 16, 2011

Concur!

This is one of those stories that I've been meaning to write about for awhile. Back before Christmas Jake was trying to plug in his laptop but unfortunately the outlet is between the wall and the couch. It's sort of a pain to get to.

Jake: Whose idea was it to put the couch here!

Me: Probably mine.

Jake: Well, you shouldn't have done it!

Me: It may have been my idea but Daddy concurred.

Jake: Well don't ever concur with Mommy again!

Me: Oh yeah? If Daddy didn't concur with Mommy we wouldn't have this house. We wouldn't have....

Link: ....You.

Me: That's right.

Jake: Well don't do it anymore!

Me: So Jake, if Mommy were to go to Daddy and say "I think we should take the kids back to Niagara Falls." what should Daddy say?

Jake: Concur! Concur!!!

Career Day

Jake: Guess what I want to be when I grow up?

Me: What?

Jake: I want to work in a bank.

Hannah: Are you going to be a bank teller?

(pause)

Link: Or a bank robber?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Aunt Lorraine

I don't know where to start.

I know it has been a seriously long time since I've blogged.

Until tonight it has also been a really long time since I talked to my parents or my sister Debbie.

I don't know where I am mentally.

On one hand I feel better than I've felt in a long, long time. I feel like me. I feel happy and confident and not depressed.

You would think that's a good thing.

But the days that I feel the best....I feel the worst.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

Christmas was great. For Christmas I planned a series of trips for the family. Link got a trip to Dublin with me in January. Hannah got a trip to Paris and London with me in February. Jake got a trip with the whole family to Niagara Falls in April.

I was happy. I was excited for our travels. I had actually paid for almost all of Christmas with the debit card and not the credit card.

And yet.

I cut.

I cut myself on Christmas. Two long slashes along my arm.

Why?

I don't know.

It had been one of the happiest days I've had in a long time.

But I did.

And then a few days later I was curled up in the fetal position afraid to take care of my kids while Link was at work.

Then New Years Eve came along.

Once again, it was a good day. We had Lincoln's brother and sister-in-law over. There was good food, a few drinks, and a fun time playing cards.

But the night ended in tears, a lot of cutting, and me in the treehouse by myself praying to a God I don't necessarily believe in.

I think about this blog all the time.

I have notes all over my desk about funny conversations that I've had with the kids. About things that are happening at work or at home.

And yet, I don't care.

I don't want to blog.

For a long time this blog was very enjoyable for me. I loved the fact that it's a diary of my kids' childhood.

And maybe that's why right now I don't want to record what is happening.

I'm happy and yet apparently I'm miserable. Maybe subconsciously I don't want to record what is happening in my life right now.

If I have learned nothing else over the past year, I've learned that depression is not something you can control or even understand.

And apparently it's not something I can conquer.

At least not yet. But I'm going to keep trying.

So, what does this have to do with Aunt Lorraine?

I don't know.

I was reading a book tonight and it made me think of her. How she lives in a very, very, VERY small town in Iowa and lives a fairly simple life with Uncle Bob. She is always warm and welcoming and even if you drop by without a moment's notice she'll lay out a spread of food like she has been expecting your visit for months.

She symbolizes home. And comfort. And family.

And whatever it was that I was reading earlier that triggered my memories of her got me to blog tonight about my problems.

I guess, in that way, she still symbolizes home, and comfort, and family.

And that's what I need to hold onto.