Trust issues and scaring the shit out of myself

Jake and Hannah have always treated injuries and illnesses very differently. Jake rarely complains about a stomach ache unless he's trying to get out of going to school. Hannah treats every injury as though she is on her death bed. Jake barely put up a fuss when he split his head open and required two staples in the back of his skull. Hannah always has chronic complaints about her stomach, her head, and her ankles that seem to have no real symptoms. No fever, no swelling, etc. Nothing concrete. It becomes hard to believe her. Does she really have an issue? Is she just overly sensitive? Is she looking for attention? It's definitely a fine line. You don't want to ignore her because what if it really is something serious? On the other hand, I don't want to be in the pediatrician's office every other day.

Her headaches sort of started out this way. My rule of thumb for something I can't see is how often, and how consistently, does she complain about it. If she's hobbling around on a "hurt" ankle but then gets distracted and runs off with her friends I assume she's fine. The headaches though have been fairly consistent but even they have their ups and downs. After I took her to the pediatrician and he thought it was the fact that she was grinding her teeth she seemed to notice that she was clenching or grinding all the time and she said when she stopped her headaches were better. Then we went to the dentist who said it had nothing to do with her teeth and I didn't hear her complaining very much about it anymore. I thought maybe it had disappeared and it had, no pun intended, all been in her head. I still didn't want to ignore it entirely which is why I've made the eye doctor and neurology appointments.

Which brings me to today....

The school nurse doesn't usually call me if Hannah has a headache. Hannah's teacher and I discussed the headaches a few weeks ago and she said that she usually just lets Hannah sit in a quiet corner when she complains of headaches and they eventually go away. Here is what concerned me about today. In the email Mrs. B said that Hannah "had trouble seeing the paper". Notice she doesn't say she had trouble "reading" the paper. So of course my mind runs wild. On one hand I think to myself that I'm glad she had vision problems today because then at Saturday's appointment the eye doctor will probably tell me she needs glasses and we'll call it a day. On the other hand, and this is where my mind goes to a very dark place way too easily, I envision the eye doctor telling me that Hannah has a tumor pressing on her eye ball or something like that. It could happen. You hear those stories all the time on telethons.

I called Hannah once she got to Grandma and Grandpa's house this afternoon to ask her about it.

Me: Hey there sweetie. I hear you had a headache at school again today.

Hannah: Yeah.

Me: Mrs. B said you had trouble seeing the paper in Music class.

Hannah: Yeah.

Me: Can you tell me a little bit about it so that I can tell the doctor on Saturday?

Hannah: I couldn't see the paper.

Me: What do you mean? Were the words blurry?

Hannah: No, they weren't blurry.

Me: Why couldn't you see them? Did you see spots or anything else in front of your eyes?

Hannah: I saw spots.

Me: What kind of spots? Were they white spots? Or black?

Hannah: Black spots.

Me: Were there a lot of little black spots? Or one big black spot?

Hannah: No, big black spots.

Okay, that makes me nervous. I try not to "lead" her with these questions but on the other hand, getting information out of her without asking specific questions is impossible. When she comes home from school each day and you ask "What did you do today?" she says "I don't remember" but if you say "Who did you sit with at lunch?" or "What did you do in Science?" or "Did you play with anyone at Recess?" then she'll tell you "Cassie", "we learned stuff", and "yes" but you still have to pry any additional info out of her.

I don't think of myself as a hypochondriac. I didn't got into my dentist's office and say "I have a white spot in my mouth....do you think it's cancer?" but when my dentist finds it and says "it's probably nothing but it could be pre-cancerous if left untreated" then yes, my mind definitely envisions the worst case scenario even if I truly believe it's nothing. Same with Lincoln's mole. I'm not obsessively checking his back every night looking for cancerous moles but now that the doctor said that she "didn't like the looks of one" I will admit I'm a little worried. I just like to get the "all clear" from professionals.

I'm sure that Hannah's headaches are just because of eye strain but until I hear that from the eye doctor herself I will continue to have the occasional "what if" moment. The fact that all three of these things are happening at the same time makes me feel like I'm a total nut job that is overreacting to everything.

Watch.....it will turn out that the three of us are fine and it's really Jake, the only one not seeing a specialist these days, that has the secret, deadly illness.

I'm just kidding.....sort of.