An eye-opening experience

I have always been a firm believer that if you're going to have a child you should have at least two. Typically, in my opinion, only children generally grow up to be spoiled plus they have no close sibling relationships (obviously) and when their parents are driving them crazy (or God forbid, deceased) they have no one to commiserate with.

A few weeks ago the sister of one of my dearest, closest, bestest friends gave birth to her second child. The sister's husband also has a blog and she occasionally guest posts on there. During her pregnancy both her and her husband expressed concerns about the fact that their little family of three would now become four and how that would affect their relationship with their daughter. It sort of boggled my mind that they thought that way because it never crossed my mind with Hannah. Lincoln and I knew we wanted more than one child. Heck, originally we said "no more than four" but later decided two was a really, really good number. I thought about having two kids in the terms of Hannah having a younger sibling and the new baby...ultimately Jake....having a big sister. I thought about how they would interact and how they would play together. How if it was two girls they could grow up to be best friends (and occasionally worst enemies as any girl with a sister will tell you). How if it was a boy Hannah would grow up to think he was a pest and how he would grow up to have crushes on Hannah's friends. Or his friends would grow up to have crushes on her. As the youngest of three kids I never thought about how the parental relationship with the elder child would change. I mean, after all, wasn't the greatest thing that ever happened to my parents and older sisters my arrival in this world?

A little over 48 hours ago we handed off Hannah to my parents for three weeks. In the weeks leading up to this adventure I thought about how much I would miss her and how it would affect her. Would she enjoy it? Would she be homesick? I remember Rachel and me clinging to each other under a tree at Camp Tahigwa and wailing at the thought of being away from home for a week. And that was only a short drive away from my house. Hannah will be hours away....BY AIRPLANE!!! What if she is miserable? She has no one to cling to under the tree and no way to get home.

But I digress.....

I thought about this trip in the many ways it would affect Hannah and how it would affect me. I miss her terribly but I know this is a great experience for her and that she is going to really enjoy it. I also worried about how it would affect Jake. I told myself it would make him more independent but I also worried about how much harder it would be to deal with him without having Hannah to keep him busy. She's a great big sister and a great helper when we need someone to watch him while Lincoln and I are busy. I'll admit a small part of me selfishly wanted to keep her here because it would make things easier on us.

But I never expected this.

I never expected how much more I could love and appreciate Jake. I've loved and adored Jake since the minute he came out of me looking like a grumpy old man. But to a degree he has always been Lincoln's. Hannah is my little girl and Jake is a Daddy's boy. When he was younger he used to tell me to leave the room whenever I walked in because he didn't want me to interrupt his Daddy time. Daddy is the one he wants when he has to go to the bathroom. Daddy is the one he wants to play Star Wars with. Daddy is the one he wants to read him a book at night. And I've been okay with that because I have Hannah. She's my little girl. She's my snuggler and my best friend. She draws me pictures and wants to know how my day was. She wants to be like me and is always asking when our next "girl day" is going to happen. When we go to restaurants Lincoln and Jake sit on one side of the booth and Hannah and I sit on the other side. In hotels Lincoln and Jake share a bed and Hannah and I share one. Since 1:14 a.m. on August 18, 2001 she is me and I am her.

But as much as I miss her I really am enjoying seeing Jake in a new light. I never thought about this before but Lincoln and I have never experienced a four and a half year old without a baby in tow. Once Jake was born, when Hannah was almost three and a half, our attention was split in two. And he's a riot now. I've always appreciated the humor he has brought into our lives but these last few days he has been that much more. More everything. More caring and funny and sweet and considerate and just plain more Jake. I love it.

Saturday night when we stayed in the hotel and Jake slept with Lincoln and I slept alone I missed Hannah terribly. When we stopped for meals and I had the entire side of the booth to myself I missed Hannah terribly. But I also sat there in awe as I watched Jake just be Jake without any distractions or comparisons to his older sister or having to divide my attention. It was incredible.

Don't get me wrong...I can't wait for Hannah to come home. I am counting the days and the next three weeks are going to be terribly hard on me but I don't think they'll be as hard as originally anticipated. I love getting calls from Mom about all the things that Hannah is doing while she is with them and how well she's behaving and how much she's proving to be a wonderful, caring, responsible, and social little girl but I'm also going to enjoy the next three weeks by taking the time to experience what we've never had before....Jake. Just Jake. And all the wonder he brings with him.