The Life and Times of the Snow Family: My inheritance is dwindling bit by bit

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My inheritance is dwindling bit by bit

Dad: Hello.

Me: Hi!

Dad: What do you want?

Me: I want to talk to my daughter. Is she there?

Dad: No. She's out spending more of my money.

Me: Oh yes. They went to get their nails done today, didn't they?

Dad: And shopping. I haven't seen them all day.

Me (laughing): I trained her well, didn't I?

Dad: No shit.

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Cast of Characters

DEBBIE AND MARK - my sister and her awesome husband. They live in Seattle and I don't get to see them as much as I'd like but hopefully they'll be coming out to visit soon.
HANNAH - My 9-year old daughter. She is brilliant, precocious, and wise beyond her years.
HUNTER - Tracy's 9-year old son and a good friend of Hannah's. Jake's idol.
JAKE - My 5-year old son. He is constantly in trouble for hitting, kicking, and punching and I fully anticipate having to visit him in jail someday.
JEN - my former assistant. She may have moved up to nice, quiet Portland, Maine but I'm sure she still calls in late to work while doing the walk of shame and she's also the one that had Bret Michaels autograph her breast.
KAYLA (KIKI) - My 11-year old niece and one of my childrens' favorite people in the whole world. Jake gave her the nickname Kiki when he was a baby. She's the ultimate tomboy and is fantastic with the kids. They adore her.
KEGAN - The little brother I always wanted and Mom and Dad never gave me. He worked for me briefly before moving up in the company. Now he's just a thorn in my side but I adore him anyway.
KYLE - My 17-year old nephew and a great kid. He may be a big, cool, important high schooler but he's so great with the kids. He'll let Jake think they're doing serious wrestling without ever letting him be in danger.
LINCOLN (LINK) - My wonderful, perfect husband that I don't deserve.
MA AND PA SNOW - Lincoln's parents and my fantastic in-laws. They live right around the corner from us and are a true godsend.
MELISSA - my favorite co-worker. Melissa and I spent the first couple years of our acquaintance sharing a small office at work. She mocks my lack of music knowledge and I do her expense reports in exchange for wine and other gifts.
MOM AND DAD - my parents (duh!). They live in Seattle and come to visit often.
MY HAREM OF 20-SOMETHING BOYS - The young boys that I hire to work for me as runners.
RACHEL - My bestest and most longtime friend. My mother started babysitting for Rachel while she was pregnant with me so I've literally known Rachel since the womb.
THE OTHER DIANE SNOW - my sister-in-law who bears the same name as me and lives two houses up on the same street.
THE WALKERS - My second family. Deb and Michael are my Boston parents. Deb was my 10th grade teacher when I lived in Arkansas and she and Michael took me in when I moved to Boston. I even lived in their basement for the summer when I first moved here. Their daughters, Shani and Kristen, are my little sisters. They go to concerts with me, babysit my kids, and are just generally cool chicks.
TRACY - My BFF. Between bail bonds and locked psych wards we have it covered.