Death

I fear death.

Over the last few days I have been trying to compose a blog posting in my head regarding the passing of Senator Kennedy but haven't known how to start. I have talked with Lincoln about the fact that, love him or hate him, one of the greatest senators of our time has died. And with it a political era that will never return. In today's coverage of politics 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year we expect our politicians to be perfect. In a time where you can email your senator or pick up a phone and call, or heck, send them a tweet via Twitter, you expect them to be everything you're looking for and have no flaws. And even when they're "perfect" via political standards the press, and the public at large, will pick apart their personal lives. Heck, when I watch political speeches these days I don't watch them for their content. I don't watch them and wait for the next "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." I watch them and try to anticipate what nit picky little thing the press, on both sides of the political spectrum, will pick up on and turn into the next great debate. Take for example the fact that Michelle Obama wore shorts on their family trip to the Grand Canyon. THE HORROR! Wearing shorts in Arizona in August? Who does that sort of thing? Our democracy will come crashing down!

During the funeral mass Vicki Kennedy was shaking the hands of all the dignitaries and leaning in to kiss them on the cheek. When she came to Michelle Obama they both went in the same direction creating an awkward moment. My first thought was "Oh no! Who broke protocol? Is this the story that FOX News will run for the next 6 months?"

But I digress.....

We expect our politicians to be perfect. And when they're not we move them out of office as quickly as possible. If there is a hint of something bad the politician quickly stands at a podium, usually with his stoic wife by his side, confesses his transgressions, announces his resignation, and moves off into oblivion. Ted Kennedy never did that.

He wasn't flawless by any stretch of the imagination. Nor were his brothers. Marital affairs, alcohol, criminal activity (whether you believe in their connections to the mob, Ted's actions at Chappaquiddick, or any other charge filed against them and their family), and God knows what else, but overall they did a lot of good for this country.

Historians always say that in this day and age Franklin Delano Roosevelt would never have been elected president because he was in a wheelchair. That didn't make him any less of a great politician. Ted Kennedy, by today's standards, should have been run out of Washington D.C. on a rail, but our country would have been worse off for it. His work on civil rights, women's rights, the rights of the poor, and the rights of the sick may never have happened. Every person receiving minimum wage or taking leave through the Family Medical Leave Act or protected in their work place through OSHA would be worse off if Ted Kennedy had been required to live up to 2009 political standards throughout his 47+ year career in the U.S. Senate. A politician of his stature and tenure will never again live in the U.S. Senate thanks to our current political, and more importantly, media based society.

I watched the funeral coverage. It was quite moving. Listening to Ted Kennedy Jr. eulogize his father just about broke my heart. Patrick's was less heart-wrenching but most likely only because I had already cried my eyes out. I broke down again when they exited the church and Caroline Kennedy was walking beside the casket of her uncle. If Ted Kennedy was the patriarch of the family then Caroline Kennedy was the symbol of loss for me. Despite my being born almost 14 years later I can perfectly picture her and JFK Jr. standing at their father's funeral. She lost her mother and then her brother and I remember thinking "How does she bear to be the last remaining survivor of her family?"

The funeral coverage yesterday was very moving. Obviously every movement of the family's day was documented in minute detail but I thought it incredibly poetic, and incredibly moving, that in the most private of moments yesterday, those rare and few moments before the casket of your loved one is put into the ground forever and the last tangible symbol of their existence, the casket, is forever placed out of view, the greatest technology and media advances could not take away that private moment. The Kennedy family had obviously allowed the media to be part of the ceremony but due to delays and the setting sun that no one can control, the Kennedy clan was given a moment of visual privacy that was unexpected but entirely deserved. We as a country may have been able to hear everything (and even that was questionable at times when the provided microphone didn't work) but every television channel that I turned to was thwarted by the oncoming darkness and able to show only symbolic footage of the bugler standing in front of a beautifully lit building in Arlington Cemetery or that of the Washington Monument. For once Vicki Kennedy and the rest of the Kennedy clan did not have the eyes of the world on them during their moment of grief. For a family that lived, and grieved, entirely in the public eye, it was fitting that they get that moment of privacy even when living in the least private era of our country's history.

But once again I digress.....

This post wasn't supposed to be about Ted Kennedy. It started out with the phrase "I fear death" and it was watching those people mourning Ted Kennedy that my writer's block finally broke free.

I fear death.

Not mine. Once I'm gone, I'm gone. I don't expect to be floating on the other side mourning my own loss. I fear the death of my children. The death of my husband. The death of my parents and sister. I fear that I am not strong enough to handle it. In the situation of my own death I fear only the grieving of my husband, children, and family. I don't want them to feel the way that I will when they pass. Watching the funeral coverage of Ted Kennedy I couldn't help but be amazed whenever they showed Vicki Kennedy. To grieve with the whole world watching would be my worst nightmare. And I'm sure, despite her incredible stoicism in front of the cameras, that every private moment she had was racked with horror and grief at the passing of her beloved husband.

I haven't had much loss in my family,thank God. My Grandpa Benson passed away a few years ago and that was incredibly sad but not entirely unexpected. My Grandma Lentz passed away last September and, once again, that was incredibly sad but not entirely unexpected. But last November my Uncle Linus passed away and that was horrible. It was unexpected, heart-wrenching, unexplainable, and everything else that I can't put into words right now. There was much debate whether or not I would go back for his funeral and I did a long blog post on the reasons why I needed to be there. I fear death. I fear handling death. I fear dealing with death. I fear the emotions that will overwhelm me with death. I fear the impact my death will have on Lincoln and my children.

And that's what it all comes down to. Days of wrestling with what to write about how the death of a senator from Massachusetts will impact the political world as we know it and it all comes down to watching his family grieve and realizing that more than anything else in this world I fear death. But, with the exception of how it will affect Lincoln and the kids, just not my own.

I fear death.