Big Boy.....Little Man

I don't know if it's because Hannah isn't around to compare him to or what but all of a sudden Jake seems like such a little man. Watching him tonight I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he sat and played with Daddy. He looked so grown up. He looked taller. He looked smarter. He looked more mature. He just didn't look like a baby.

Has Jake always seemed younger because of his age or because Hannah is older? When Hannah was Jake's age did she seem older because she was the big sister or because of her personality? When Hannah comes home will Jake be my baby again? Will neither of them be my baby ever again? Has the ultimate side effect of Hannah's trip with Grandma and Grandpa been to strip me off my babies?

I don't want more kids. I don't want to be pregnant again. I don't want an infant again. I don't want a toddler again. As my mother once said to me, every age they are in is the best age. That is true. But that doesn't mean I don't mourn the age they just were.

I think I've said it before...whenever Hannah has a birthday I say to myself "I can't believe I have an 8 year old". When Jake has a birthday I say to myself "I can't believe I'll never have a 3 year old again." I remember when Hannah was a newborn. I remember when the only noise she was capable of making was a squeak. I remember when she flopped in my arms like a wet dishrag and I could never imagine she would be bigger than a doll. Now she is so much more.

Earlier this year, before Mom and Dad suggested taking Hannah for three weeks, I suggested to Lincoln that we ask Mom and Dad if they would want to take her for a week this summer. He thought it wasn't a good idea because she hadn't been terribly responsible lately - and she hadn't. And then when Mom suggested the idea again we decided that it was an opportunity we couldn't deny her. This was a huge opportunity for her and she deserved it. And she has proven to be so incredibly worthy of this experience. I love hearing from her everyday but even more than that I love hearing from my parents. I love hearing how excited she is about everything and how well-behaved she is. I love hearing that she was "a trooper" during a delayed flight that kept them traveling until 4:00 a.m. I love hearing that she's charming, and social, and a flirt. In May she may have been acting irresponsibly but right now she is blowing me away with her responsibility and I couldn't be more proud.

And that brings me to Jacob. In some ways he has regressed. Poor Lincoln sometimes can't even take a shower without Jake attached to his side like a shadow but on the other hand he just seems that much older. He does things on his own. He figures out solutions he never would have in the past. He is his own little man.

Before Hannah left on her trip I wondered how this would affect us. Would she be homesick? Would I miss her terribly? Would Jake whine and cry without his playmate? While I do miss her terribly the rest of the stuff hasn't happened. Instead my children have matured 10 times more this summer than they have in previous years and I'm not sure I'm ready for that to happen.

But as I sit and ponder this I can trust Jake to put it all back into prospective for me.

Me: Come and hug me. I'm sad.

Jake: Why?

Me: Because I won't ever have a baby anymore.

Jake: Why?

Me: Because you're all grown up. And Hannah's all grown up.

Jake: I told you we should have another baby.

Yeah.....not going to happen.