Nothing to say

I know I've been very quiet on the blog lately. I hate to disappoint my 20+ faithful readers but my mind has been a little too crazy lately to focus my thoughts. Most of all a lot of stuff has been going on at work - and not just the flood - and I've also been feeling very poorly lately.

When I get incredibly stressed out I have severe joint problems that flair up and apparently I am seriously stressed out right now since my left food and hand are in constant pain these days. The worst my joints have ever been was when I was graduating college, didn't know what I was going to do with my life, and was about to move to a city where the only person I knew was a former teacher and her family who I hadn't seen in 6 years. At that time it was every single joint in my body....toes, ankles, knees, hips, fingers, wrists, shoulders..... It wasn't pretty.

But I don't need my joints to tell me that I'm stressed. I know I'm stressed. And I know that it has been hard for Lincoln to watch me try to struggle through some things that he can't help me with. He has been incredibly supportive and loving and has acted as an incredible buffer for the kids who, unfortunately, sometimes take the brunt of my stress when I'm yelling at them for things that are usually minor infractions.

So what am I stressed about? That's just it. I can't articulate it. Life is overwhelming me right now and I feel like I can't get a grasp on anything. Work and home and life and Lincoln's company all seem bigger than life and bigger than me and I just want to not be a grown up anymore. I don't want to have all this responsibility and pressure and decision making that needs to be done. I want to go back to high school when the biggest problem I had was whether or not I'd be asked out on a date. Or better yet, back to elementary school when my biggest problem was if I'd be picked last in gym class.

If I could just get a handle on a few of these things I think things would start to fall back into place but instead of getting a handle on anything I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Except I'm not sleeping well. And I can't focus on a lazy day of just reading a good book or a stack of magazines because I just feel restless. My mind won't be still.

And that is why I can't write these days. My thoughts aren't focused. I don't know what I want to say...or more importantly what I need to say.....that would be the magic word to make me feel better. I ramble and am unfocused and I just don't know.............

So, I guess, for now I have nothing to say.