I might be running from something....I'm just not sure

In the fairly recent past I've put up some posts regarding my battle with depression. I never expected to be one that suffered from depression. I have a fantastic life. I have a husband who loves me and worships the ground I walk on. I have two beautiful, wonderful, smart, healthy children that I adore. Lincoln and I have jobs that keeps the roof over our heads. What do I have to be depressed about?

I don't.

But I am.

After my physical exam back in April my general practitioner put me on an anti-depressant. It worked for a little bit and then came "the episode".

I don't know how else to refer to this situation. Every day when I got in my car to go to work I would burst into tears and cry the whole way in to the office. I could usually hold it together through the day but I never felt good. I never felt like me.

And then came "the episode".

That day I got in my car and drove to work - crying - and my mother called. She asked me how I was and I started to cry some more. Then I got to the office and realized I had missed a due date on one of our personal bills and started crying again. Then my boss - my wonderful, understanding, great boss - walked into my office and asked me how I was and I started crying. I told him I would talk to him later. After another conversation - including tears- with my friend Melissa I went into my boss's office and told him I needed to take some time off. I was a horrible, sobbing, humiliated, mess but he was incredibly understanding. After explaining the situation - again in tears - to my assistant I then proceeded to drive home talking to my dad. Yes, you guessed it, in tears. I don't think I've ever cried that much in my life.

Since then I have had my medicine doubled - and then tripled - and I'm feeling better. My boss called in some favors and hooked me up with an incredible psychiatrist associated with Harvard and I have been seeing him for the past few weeks. It really has done me a world of good but I still have good days and bad days.

In the past three weeks I have traveled to Iowa, Martha's Vineyard, and - this coming weekend - Maine. Why?

I love to travel. That's no secret. But what is with my current inability to stay home? I love being home. I'm more relaxed when I'm at home. When I can take time off of work I definitely have better days.

So why?

I think my love of travel has always allowed me to step outside of my own world. It allows me to experience new things and new places and new adventures. When I travel I'm not tied to work or home or life commitments. It's a choice. I travel because I love it. I think it's the only time I actually feel in control.

This battle continues to rage inside my brain. I can't explain it. I don't understand. As I've stated above, I'm the first to admit I have a wonderful, wonderful life. It just goes to show that depression is not a situational thing, but a chemical imbalance.

I appreciate all the love and support that I've received from many of you. I don't understand what is going on in my head these days but I know with the love of all of you - and the professional guidance of Dr. Romansky - I will eventually come out the other side.

Thank you.

And in the meantime, feel free to forward me any travel deals you find!