It's time for a step back

I haven't written much about my battle with depression on the blog. I haven't even mentioned it since the end of June to be exact. And those of you that read this blog regularly, you've obviously noticed I don't post nearly as often as I used to either. Unfortunately, despite a supply of pills and a great psychiatrist, this battle is one I'm slowly losing....for now.

I feel like I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it.

I do feel like I'm in good hands with my doctor though and I know that Lincoln and my family and friends will be with me through it all but it's still a tough time. As someone who also once suffered from depression told me, "it will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better." That's what I'm hanging all my hopes on.

Today I spoke with my bosses about taking a leave of absence from work. I need time away from the office to get away from the stress there and try to get stuff in my personal life and around the house in order. I just feel like there is so much piling up that I'm going to get buried under it all and it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. After I spent last Thursday, in my pajamas, at my shrink's office, I knew it was time to ask for some time off work.

I talked with my bosses today and they both immediately agreed to this new situation. They've been wonderfully understanding through this whole process and I couldn't ask for anything more from them.

I told Lincoln, and my mother as well, that you can tell when I'm slipping into a bad spot. I stop answering emails, I stop opening the mail, and I stop blogging. Those are the "superficial" signs of my mood. I think the eyes that won't stop crying, the lack of showering, and the long periods curled up by myself in the bedroom staring at the TV are two clues that Link sees way too often.

My mom is coming out next Sunday and staying for two and a half weeks. I've asked her for help getting my life back together but I told her I need to be able to walk away and hide when I feel like it. I know she'll be very understanding even though it will be frustrating to her. It's hard for anyone to understand when they haven't been through it before. Heck, it's hard for me to understand. And like I told Mom, I'm learning my way through this too so just follow my lead. I'm just glad she's going to be here. As wonderful as Link is, sometimes I just want my Mommy.